noticing his demeanor drag through the shadows cast by thin-trunked trees reaching up towards the sun's rays, i watched our conversation approaching.
as the trickling of boy-boy-boy dripped like drops of water out of the faucet of living hope, he pooled himself on the sidewalk outside, voluntarily stagnating.
like a car picking up speed, so did his honesty come swiftly.
stealing water geysers, melting stolen bank cards to retreive the pin number, hiding guns at congolese gangsters' houses, sleeping in bungalows with the boys in order to get free drugs, cutting car alarm wires and stealing automoblies of beach-visiting locals, selling himself to foreign pedophiles for a day's working wage--words flooded out of his mouth like a great river of guilt and masked fear.
"we cannot live this way anymore, ashley. our life cannot go on like this on the streets."
Saturday, 29 April 2006
Thursday, 27 April 2006
screwy.
this blog is acting that way.
if you go down to the bottom of the page, you'll see all those links that used to be along the right side of the screen. i'm so tired of trying to fix this, so if any of you can help me i'd like that.
meanwhile, my friend ranghild from norway sent me some photos from her time here a few weeks ago. she helped us a few days and fell in love with little brianie. go down to the flickr photos and see some updates!
if you go down to the bottom of the page, you'll see all those links that used to be along the right side of the screen. i'm so tired of trying to fix this, so if any of you can help me i'd like that.
meanwhile, my friend ranghild from norway sent me some photos from her time here a few weeks ago. she helped us a few days and fell in love with little brianie. go down to the flickr photos and see some updates!
Wednesday, 26 April 2006
if you are my friend.
then you will do the following:
1--introduce yourself to ryan.
2--visit one of his many websites,this one
being on myspace.
3--visit this other website
, which is a documentary about some kids in cape town, and about ryan's work with them. you can watch a clip of the movie, and see some photos of the cast and such.
4--give all your money to what this guy is doing. i'm telling you, it's pretty amazing.
thanks!
and kara--you can hear that song on the myspace link. and you have full permission to enjoy it :)
1--introduce yourself to ryan.
2--visit one of his many websites,this one
being on myspace.
3--visit this other website
, which is a documentary about some kids in cape town, and about ryan's work with them. you can watch a clip of the movie, and see some photos of the cast and such.
4--give all your money to what this guy is doing. i'm telling you, it's pretty amazing.
thanks!
and kara--you can hear that song on the myspace link. and you have full permission to enjoy it :)
Wednesday, 19 April 2006
khayelitsha
so, i'm trying to post a photo or two but it's not working. which is really too bad because i have some amazing pictures to show you. i'll try to work this out somehow. keep your eyes on the flickr photos along the right side of my blog, just in case i figure it out that way.
this blog is dedicated to khayelitsha. that's a township in south africa. the fastest growing one, actually. i googled "khayelitsha" and a bunch of sites and photos came up. it's basically miles upon miles of shanties. over 1 million people now live in khayelitsha (pronounced ky-uh-lee-cha). they speak xhosa, like masiphumelele. xhosa is a language with clicks and such, sounds you make with your tongue smacking against the inside of your cheek or the roof of your mouth, depending on the letter you want to pronounce. i know that "molo" is hello and "wu jah nee" or something like that is "how are you?" beyond that, i'm confused.
i've wanted to go to khayelitsha for a while now. i started hearing about it long before i even thought of moving to south africa. it's well known b/c it's so big and so in need. most of the street kids living in downtown cape town came from khayelitsha.
my friend ryan, who has lived in SA for 6 years now, is greatly involved in this township. he worked on the streets of cape town for 3 years, learned afrikaans fluently, got kids back in their homes, back in school. he's testififed for kids, signed as their legal guardian, housed them when times were really bad, and you cannot go to ryan's house even today without seeing a kid there hanging out, watching tv, climbing on ryan or his roommate "worm" (a native SAfrican), or getting talked to by ryan about some problem or other. because he speaks afrikaans, he has met them where they are--spending up to 18 hours a day on the streets with them. he is truly one of them.
like all good organizations working with street children, ryan realized that prevention was more realistic as a long-term mission. sure, it'd be great to get the kids already on the street back home, but it'd be equally ideal to curb the trend by inserting oneself into the townships they are leaving, find out what the deal is, and try to repair broken families and homes before kids run away from them.
ryan helps run a nonprofit organization in khayelitsha called Town Two Sports Academy. kids learn basketball, boxing, soccer, etc. but they also get to know ryan, who is quick to address the root of the problem and speak to it.
ryan is learning xhosa. today as i walked the streets of khayelitsha with him, russie and ricky hanging on my arms, little xhosa children chasing us and giggling, i realized what an amazing difference it can make when you are willing to meet people where they are. learn THEIR language, spend hours in THEIR community. show yourself. ryan cannot drive through cape town or khayelitsha without people yelling out his name.
i wanna be like that. i wanna be willing to look foolish or whatever for the sake of the call. people like ryan really inspire me. i hope you have someone like that in your life, someone whose life challenges you to something more.
this blog is dedicated to khayelitsha. that's a township in south africa. the fastest growing one, actually. i googled "khayelitsha" and a bunch of sites and photos came up. it's basically miles upon miles of shanties. over 1 million people now live in khayelitsha (pronounced ky-uh-lee-cha). they speak xhosa, like masiphumelele. xhosa is a language with clicks and such, sounds you make with your tongue smacking against the inside of your cheek or the roof of your mouth, depending on the letter you want to pronounce. i know that "molo" is hello and "wu jah nee" or something like that is "how are you?" beyond that, i'm confused.
i've wanted to go to khayelitsha for a while now. i started hearing about it long before i even thought of moving to south africa. it's well known b/c it's so big and so in need. most of the street kids living in downtown cape town came from khayelitsha.
my friend ryan, who has lived in SA for 6 years now, is greatly involved in this township. he worked on the streets of cape town for 3 years, learned afrikaans fluently, got kids back in their homes, back in school. he's testififed for kids, signed as their legal guardian, housed them when times were really bad, and you cannot go to ryan's house even today without seeing a kid there hanging out, watching tv, climbing on ryan or his roommate "worm" (a native SAfrican), or getting talked to by ryan about some problem or other. because he speaks afrikaans, he has met them where they are--spending up to 18 hours a day on the streets with them. he is truly one of them.
like all good organizations working with street children, ryan realized that prevention was more realistic as a long-term mission. sure, it'd be great to get the kids already on the street back home, but it'd be equally ideal to curb the trend by inserting oneself into the townships they are leaving, find out what the deal is, and try to repair broken families and homes before kids run away from them.
ryan helps run a nonprofit organization in khayelitsha called Town Two Sports Academy. kids learn basketball, boxing, soccer, etc. but they also get to know ryan, who is quick to address the root of the problem and speak to it.
ryan is learning xhosa. today as i walked the streets of khayelitsha with him, russie and ricky hanging on my arms, little xhosa children chasing us and giggling, i realized what an amazing difference it can make when you are willing to meet people where they are. learn THEIR language, spend hours in THEIR community. show yourself. ryan cannot drive through cape town or khayelitsha without people yelling out his name.
i wanna be like that. i wanna be willing to look foolish or whatever for the sake of the call. people like ryan really inspire me. i hope you have someone like that in your life, someone whose life challenges you to something more.
Sunday, 16 April 2006
that's what blogs are for.
first off-apology. i'm sorry for not blogging or emailing in a while. last week i was at a meeting in downtown cape town and our car got broken into. my backpack was stolen out of the trunk, which had my laptop and camera inside. therefore, i cannot really get online these days. my roommate lori has a computer at home but she is selling it and our internet connection is being cancelled. bad timing!
but so much is happening here and i wanted to take this early easter morning to share it with you all. happy easter to each of you!! this morning i attended a sunrise service on the beach, which was amazing because the sky was hot pink and purple and the mountains lit up like a spotlight was being shone on them. the waves were slapping against the rocks as we sang 'amazing grace'. birds flew around us, and the whole morning felt like psalm 96: 'let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it." this morning it felt like all creation was praising god.
but i made the mistake of drinking 2 cups of coffee as i sat on the shore, and now i'm WIDE AWAKE. after 3 hours of sleep last night, i'd rather not be WIDE AWAKE. but oh well.
yesterday we drove down to see the boys and tell them about the car situation, which also meant telling them we cannot go hike anytime soon. nestled in between joints they secretely smoked behind the brick wall i was sitting on, i think there was some genuine remorse for what we've all lost: a laptop to watch movies on, a camera to take pictures of one another with, and a temporary ability to drive to cape town to go hike.
i sat on the sidewalk with russie as he tried to break my bracelet for the third time. this was after he climbed up the street sign and sat atop it like a bird, saying over and over "you think i stole your computer. you think i stole your computer. i not in fish hoek. i not in cape town. where's i? i's in muizenberg." --"no russie, i don't think you stole my computer. i'm telling you that i was in cape town when it happened."
off he runs to smoke a joint. i sneak up on him, he curses in afrikaans. "oh, now you getting cross with me. it's fine. it's fine. it's time for you to go home now."
two minutes later he runs over, snuggles up behind my shoulder and lays his head on my back. "russie, you're a smart kid. i don't care what you do."
"leave it ashley. leave it man."
"ok, russie."
drug use is hitting an all-time high in muizenberg's street child population. our kids are slowly coming less and less. when we go to find them, they are glassy-eyed and indifferent. it's getting colder outside, which has left brontino with a nasty cough and a more immediate need for the high that takes away the cold and the pain of his little life. meanwhile, melvin's head got shaved by the gangster pedophile he chooses to live with--and he's got all the scabs and scars on his scalp. he's wearing a big bandage and a hat to hide it. "leave it ashley. no man, just leave it." i hear that alot.
damien and ricky have jobs, banking them 70 rand a day, which equals out to about 9 hours of intoxication thanks to the crystal meth they can purchase now. trying to converse with ricky was like talking to an alzheimer's patient, while damien was unable to shut up. story after story...comment after comment.
this all sounds so weird and unsafe, i'm sure. but it's really not. these kids would beat the tar out of anyone who tried to do anything. i've seen them attack adults who made comments to made that were out of line. they are rugrats, punks, kids with no structure or guidance or love. and yet, they are incredibly discerning and smart when it comes to judging intentions and character. they dish out a lot of junk because they don't want you to love them, they don't think you will stay around if they make it hard enough for you. russie especially has this problem--"now you cross. just leave it ashley." he doesn't know what to do with the unconditional love he gets. maybe if i see him smoke a joint, steal a skateboard from an innocent white kid, beg for money, or make comments about how i think he stole my computer, then i'll just give up on him and he can go back to believing he's all alone in the world.
russie then rode with me to ryan's house, and the two of them cleaned the broken glass out of my car. handful by bare handful, russie clinched pieces of glass and dumped them into the wastebasket. eventually he took the dustbin away from ryan, and swept it all up himself. he's not all bad. i don't think he realized he was serving me, loving me, helping me--in a very reciprocal way. he knew i didn't think he stole the computer.
i love these boys more today than i did 3 weeks ago when i didn't know as much about their lives. the more time i spend with people like ryan who have been in these kids lives, the more i let go and just pray for them.
i'm finding more normalcy these days. i'm not thinking constantly about these boys. i'm meeting friends and enjoying their company. i'm watching movies and playing cards and i even went putt-putt golfing with some kids the other day! that tells you something! but god is really REALLY teaching me some things that seem long-term, like he's shifting around some very fundamental pieces of my heart and mind, and instilling in me a peace that is greater than any danger or evil i encounter. things that once freaked me out or consumed me are now less emotional--break-ins, drug use, etc.
why am i still typing? this computer has kicked me offline 3 times now.
alright, happy easter. i leave you with some scripture that's soaking up alot of my thought processes: hebrews 4:12-16
"for the word of god is living and active. sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. nothing in all creation is hidden from god's sight. everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whome we must give account.
therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heaves, jesus the son of god, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympatize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
but so much is happening here and i wanted to take this early easter morning to share it with you all. happy easter to each of you!! this morning i attended a sunrise service on the beach, which was amazing because the sky was hot pink and purple and the mountains lit up like a spotlight was being shone on them. the waves were slapping against the rocks as we sang 'amazing grace'. birds flew around us, and the whole morning felt like psalm 96: 'let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it." this morning it felt like all creation was praising god.
but i made the mistake of drinking 2 cups of coffee as i sat on the shore, and now i'm WIDE AWAKE. after 3 hours of sleep last night, i'd rather not be WIDE AWAKE. but oh well.
yesterday we drove down to see the boys and tell them about the car situation, which also meant telling them we cannot go hike anytime soon. nestled in between joints they secretely smoked behind the brick wall i was sitting on, i think there was some genuine remorse for what we've all lost: a laptop to watch movies on, a camera to take pictures of one another with, and a temporary ability to drive to cape town to go hike.
i sat on the sidewalk with russie as he tried to break my bracelet for the third time. this was after he climbed up the street sign and sat atop it like a bird, saying over and over "you think i stole your computer. you think i stole your computer. i not in fish hoek. i not in cape town. where's i? i's in muizenberg." --"no russie, i don't think you stole my computer. i'm telling you that i was in cape town when it happened."
off he runs to smoke a joint. i sneak up on him, he curses in afrikaans. "oh, now you getting cross with me. it's fine. it's fine. it's time for you to go home now."
two minutes later he runs over, snuggles up behind my shoulder and lays his head on my back. "russie, you're a smart kid. i don't care what you do."
"leave it ashley. leave it man."
"ok, russie."
drug use is hitting an all-time high in muizenberg's street child population. our kids are slowly coming less and less. when we go to find them, they are glassy-eyed and indifferent. it's getting colder outside, which has left brontino with a nasty cough and a more immediate need for the high that takes away the cold and the pain of his little life. meanwhile, melvin's head got shaved by the gangster pedophile he chooses to live with--and he's got all the scabs and scars on his scalp. he's wearing a big bandage and a hat to hide it. "leave it ashley. no man, just leave it." i hear that alot.
damien and ricky have jobs, banking them 70 rand a day, which equals out to about 9 hours of intoxication thanks to the crystal meth they can purchase now. trying to converse with ricky was like talking to an alzheimer's patient, while damien was unable to shut up. story after story...comment after comment.
this all sounds so weird and unsafe, i'm sure. but it's really not. these kids would beat the tar out of anyone who tried to do anything. i've seen them attack adults who made comments to made that were out of line. they are rugrats, punks, kids with no structure or guidance or love. and yet, they are incredibly discerning and smart when it comes to judging intentions and character. they dish out a lot of junk because they don't want you to love them, they don't think you will stay around if they make it hard enough for you. russie especially has this problem--"now you cross. just leave it ashley." he doesn't know what to do with the unconditional love he gets. maybe if i see him smoke a joint, steal a skateboard from an innocent white kid, beg for money, or make comments about how i think he stole my computer, then i'll just give up on him and he can go back to believing he's all alone in the world.
russie then rode with me to ryan's house, and the two of them cleaned the broken glass out of my car. handful by bare handful, russie clinched pieces of glass and dumped them into the wastebasket. eventually he took the dustbin away from ryan, and swept it all up himself. he's not all bad. i don't think he realized he was serving me, loving me, helping me--in a very reciprocal way. he knew i didn't think he stole the computer.
i love these boys more today than i did 3 weeks ago when i didn't know as much about their lives. the more time i spend with people like ryan who have been in these kids lives, the more i let go and just pray for them.
i'm finding more normalcy these days. i'm not thinking constantly about these boys. i'm meeting friends and enjoying their company. i'm watching movies and playing cards and i even went putt-putt golfing with some kids the other day! that tells you something! but god is really REALLY teaching me some things that seem long-term, like he's shifting around some very fundamental pieces of my heart and mind, and instilling in me a peace that is greater than any danger or evil i encounter. things that once freaked me out or consumed me are now less emotional--break-ins, drug use, etc.
why am i still typing? this computer has kicked me offline 3 times now.
alright, happy easter. i leave you with some scripture that's soaking up alot of my thought processes: hebrews 4:12-16
"for the word of god is living and active. sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. nothing in all creation is hidden from god's sight. everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whome we must give account.
therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heaves, jesus the son of god, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympatize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Friday, 07 April 2006
for all you RN's out there.
Four million health workers are needed to combat the "chronic shortage" around the world, a report from the World Health Organization has warned.
Fifty-seven countries have a serious shortage of health workers, affecting children's jabs, pregnancy care and access to treatment, it said.
Thirty-six of these countries are in sub-Saharan Africa.
Wednesday, 05 April 2006
zuma.
This
is what we have to work with since Mandela stepped down. How can a potential president of the country with the highest HIV rate not know that unprotected sex with an HIV positive woman spread the virus? A shower? Are you joking? Is this what sex ed has come to? Yeesh.
This is what happens when the current president believes that HIV is the west's way of keeping blacks down, and who claims to not understand what a "syndrome" is. See Thambo Mbeki on google for more.
And p.s.--South Africa's minister of health claims that eating garlic and doing yoga cures--CURES--AIDS.
is what we have to work with since Mandela stepped down. How can a potential president of the country with the highest HIV rate not know that unprotected sex with an HIV positive woman spread the virus? A shower? Are you joking? Is this what sex ed has come to? Yeesh.
This is what happens when the current president believes that HIV is the west's way of keeping blacks down, and who claims to not understand what a "syndrome" is. See Thambo Mbeki on google for more.
And p.s.--South Africa's minister of health claims that eating garlic and doing yoga cures--CURES--AIDS.
"is this not what it means to know me?" -jeremiah 22.16
i have so much to say, but i don't know where to start. i've written down so many verses and quotes and thoughts over the past few days. and i wanted to sit down and make them into some organized idea that i could present to you, hoping to pull off for another week the illusion that the things in this world of africa don't eat away at my brain and my heart. here i am, exposing the growing reality that i don't know what to do with africa.
i just finished a book called "Out of America: A Black Man Confronts Africa." Keith B. Richburg was the US Bureau Chief for the Washington Post during some of Africa's most recently formative years: during the Rwandan genocide, various ongoing conflicts in Somalia, the Congo, Uganda, Liberia, and Zaire. This man, a african american from Detroit, came to Africa expecting to connect to some ancestorial bond awaiting him on this soil, only to find that Africa illuded him, rejected him, devalued his work and sacrifice, and left him feeling thankful for the results of slavery which landed him in America, rather than at the base of a waterfall with many other African bodies who had been thrown into the river. He continually says, "In Africa, you don't count the bodies."
Now I'm not living in Darfur where children are kidnapped by the LRA and mutated into savage killers at the age of 8 or 9. And I'm not in the horn of Africa starving. I'm not dying of cholera or flooding in Malawi. And I'm thankfully not in Somalia, where there isn't even an established ruling government or party of any sort. So i'm not encountering dead bodies or emaciated little kids or pot-bellied babies with crusty eyes and noses. I'm in South Africa, where "real africans" believe all the problems are solved thanks to Mandela and the African National Congress. But I'm here to tell you that, like Richburg says, "South Africa may have been "western", but it was, I decided, at its core more complex, more confusing--more African. No less than Somalia or Rwanda, South Africa defined all my preconceived notions and assumptions, mixing up my head by creating all these confusing paradoxes, and before I knew it, before I could stop it, I found myself thinking things that one shouldn't really be thinking, feeling waht I know must not be felt."
Death Cab has a lyric that goes, "Oh what a beautiful view if you were never aware of what was around you." Although I know I'd go crazy if I didn't consult BBCworld's webpage everyday or pick up my next historical or political African commentary or journal and pray for these amazing people of Cape Town, I must admit that I've found myself contemplating some sort of psedo-escape: maybe I'll buy an 8 dollar In Style magazine and try to read it. Or read one of those pink British novels about shopping or dating. It might be nice to avoid the reality of this place for one day. Find a place where my mind can turn off, shut down, or just rest.
But most of you know that I find it hard to justify doing this. And believe me, I'm not lauding this behavior; I actually find it to be quite unhealthy at this extreme. I don't think it's a good thing but I've yet to find the balance. I guess I'll just continue praying for that, and hoping you all don't check me into a facility in the meantime. Things will be fine, it's just a necessary phase of truly allowing a place to grab hold of you, to teach you something new, to mix around all you thought before...as Richburg said. It's not as self-defeating as it sounds.
In the midst of it, God is teaching me some serious lessons.
(1) What it feels like to be a mother. Which apparently is a rather thankless, unappreciated, abused profession--yet one that never stops because the mother never stops loving, and so the point of motherhood is not to love with condition but to love without expecting anything equal in return, to love because you can't NOT love. As I was recently reminded, Kahlil Gibran writes
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."
(2) What it means to serve God, not man. The Lord is delighted in perseverance, love, forgiveness, mercy, justice, sacrifice on behalf of others, faith, patience, hope, trusting in his word and promise. It is easy to become discouraged when you are serving man. We should not become weary in doing good, because if we are serving God, our service is not based on results, but on the condition of our hearts towards God. Hebrews 11:6 says, "without faith it is impossible to please God." If our hearts are firmly fixed in his promises and his truth, then we are setting ourselves on things above and we find that our service, however unnoticed, is not in vain. God sees our deeds and our hearts--and if others see our good deeds too, God tells us some of them will glorify him because of them.
(3) Jeremiah 23:23-24, "Am I only a God nearby", declares the Lord, "and not a God far away? Can anyone hide in the secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the Lord. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" God sees them all, everyone I pray for and hope for.
In such a time and place as this, I don't really want anything but what God promises. I am able to see with more clarity what is important to me and what is not. I guess, at the end of the day, with all the weighted thoughts and images in my head, I can rest knowing it is not my place to understand the reasons behind the state of our world. I am only able to serve those who need it, to love those who don't have it. To seek to know God, the only one who can talk with me, for he sees it all too.
i just finished a book called "Out of America: A Black Man Confronts Africa." Keith B. Richburg was the US Bureau Chief for the Washington Post during some of Africa's most recently formative years: during the Rwandan genocide, various ongoing conflicts in Somalia, the Congo, Uganda, Liberia, and Zaire. This man, a african american from Detroit, came to Africa expecting to connect to some ancestorial bond awaiting him on this soil, only to find that Africa illuded him, rejected him, devalued his work and sacrifice, and left him feeling thankful for the results of slavery which landed him in America, rather than at the base of a waterfall with many other African bodies who had been thrown into the river. He continually says, "In Africa, you don't count the bodies."
Now I'm not living in Darfur where children are kidnapped by the LRA and mutated into savage killers at the age of 8 or 9. And I'm not in the horn of Africa starving. I'm not dying of cholera or flooding in Malawi. And I'm thankfully not in Somalia, where there isn't even an established ruling government or party of any sort. So i'm not encountering dead bodies or emaciated little kids or pot-bellied babies with crusty eyes and noses. I'm in South Africa, where "real africans" believe all the problems are solved thanks to Mandela and the African National Congress. But I'm here to tell you that, like Richburg says, "South Africa may have been "western", but it was, I decided, at its core more complex, more confusing--more African. No less than Somalia or Rwanda, South Africa defined all my preconceived notions and assumptions, mixing up my head by creating all these confusing paradoxes, and before I knew it, before I could stop it, I found myself thinking things that one shouldn't really be thinking, feeling waht I know must not be felt."
Death Cab has a lyric that goes, "Oh what a beautiful view if you were never aware of what was around you." Although I know I'd go crazy if I didn't consult BBCworld's webpage everyday or pick up my next historical or political African commentary or journal and pray for these amazing people of Cape Town, I must admit that I've found myself contemplating some sort of psedo-escape: maybe I'll buy an 8 dollar In Style magazine and try to read it. Or read one of those pink British novels about shopping or dating. It might be nice to avoid the reality of this place for one day. Find a place where my mind can turn off, shut down, or just rest.
But most of you know that I find it hard to justify doing this. And believe me, I'm not lauding this behavior; I actually find it to be quite unhealthy at this extreme. I don't think it's a good thing but I've yet to find the balance. I guess I'll just continue praying for that, and hoping you all don't check me into a facility in the meantime. Things will be fine, it's just a necessary phase of truly allowing a place to grab hold of you, to teach you something new, to mix around all you thought before...as Richburg said. It's not as self-defeating as it sounds.
In the midst of it, God is teaching me some serious lessons.
(1) What it feels like to be a mother. Which apparently is a rather thankless, unappreciated, abused profession--yet one that never stops because the mother never stops loving, and so the point of motherhood is not to love with condition but to love without expecting anything equal in return, to love because you can't NOT love. As I was recently reminded, Kahlil Gibran writes
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."
(2) What it means to serve God, not man. The Lord is delighted in perseverance, love, forgiveness, mercy, justice, sacrifice on behalf of others, faith, patience, hope, trusting in his word and promise. It is easy to become discouraged when you are serving man. We should not become weary in doing good, because if we are serving God, our service is not based on results, but on the condition of our hearts towards God. Hebrews 11:6 says, "without faith it is impossible to please God." If our hearts are firmly fixed in his promises and his truth, then we are setting ourselves on things above and we find that our service, however unnoticed, is not in vain. God sees our deeds and our hearts--and if others see our good deeds too, God tells us some of them will glorify him because of them.
(3) Jeremiah 23:23-24, "Am I only a God nearby", declares the Lord, "and not a God far away? Can anyone hide in the secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the Lord. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" God sees them all, everyone I pray for and hope for.
In such a time and place as this, I don't really want anything but what God promises. I am able to see with more clarity what is important to me and what is not. I guess, at the end of the day, with all the weighted thoughts and images in my head, I can rest knowing it is not my place to understand the reasons behind the state of our world. I am only able to serve those who need it, to love those who don't have it. To seek to know God, the only one who can talk with me, for he sees it all too.
Saturday, 01 April 2006
damien's dance party.
ok, so it wasn't really damien's party. it was andrew's. he turned 13 friday. so, we had yet another birthday party. picture if you can: ryan's christian street kid rap music blaring in the background, a game of musical chairs come and gone, and 15 intoxicated street boys clearing the space for a dance party. minus the intoxicated part, it was really amazing to watch them take turns being michael jackson.
but soon after this fun ended, the party got out of control. they are getting used to this whole party idea. so, we had to use wooden sticks to keep them in line. literally. at one point russell whacked me on the back with a wooden stick (the same stick mentioned in the previous sentence, before it was confiscated by myself), while neil slapped me on the arm and brian hit me with some piece of tree limb. did i mention they were street kids?
and it doesn't help when they are all stoned and drunk. what better way to celebrate a 13th birthday? it was ridiculous. but that's the truth of these kids lives. they were unruly and violent and disrespectul and it all culminated in a fist fight between carl and melvin out in the street. i've never seen 2 kids beat the tar out of each other. the other kids physically held me back from stopping it. doubt i could have stopped it, and they probably knew that better than i.
so, when you think of street kids or alcohol or marijuana or crystal meth or rap music or dance parties or wooden sticks or birthday, pray for us please.
click here
to see more of ryan's work in cape town , and notice sweet little russell on the homepage! Or here
to see his latest work in khayelitsha.