that's what blogs are for.

first off-apology. i'm sorry for not blogging or emailing in a while. last week i was at a meeting in downtown cape town and our car got broken into. my backpack was stolen out of the trunk, which had my laptop and camera inside. therefore, i cannot really get online these days. my roommate lori has a computer at home but she is selling it and our internet connection is being cancelled. bad timing!

but so much is happening here and i wanted to take this early easter morning to share it with you all. happy easter to each of you!! this morning i attended a sunrise service on the beach, which was amazing because the sky was hot pink and purple and the mountains lit up like a spotlight was being shone on them. the waves were slapping against the rocks as we sang 'amazing grace'. birds flew around us, and the whole morning felt like psalm 96: 'let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it." this morning it felt like all creation was praising god.
but i made the mistake of drinking 2 cups of coffee as i sat on the shore, and now i'm WIDE AWAKE. after 3 hours of sleep last night, i'd rather not be WIDE AWAKE. but oh well.
yesterday we drove down to see the boys and tell them about the car situation, which also meant telling them we cannot go hike anytime soon. nestled in between joints they secretely smoked behind the brick wall i was sitting on, i think there was some genuine remorse for what we've all lost: a laptop to watch movies on, a camera to take pictures of one another with, and a temporary ability to drive to cape town to go hike.
i sat on the sidewalk with russie as he tried to break my bracelet for the third time. this was after he climbed up the street sign and sat atop it like a bird, saying over and over "you think i stole your computer. you think i stole your computer. i not in fish hoek. i not in cape town. where's i? i's in muizenberg." --"no russie, i don't think you stole my computer. i'm telling you that i was in cape town when it happened."
off he runs to smoke a joint. i sneak up on him, he curses in afrikaans. "oh, now you getting cross with me. it's fine. it's fine. it's time for you to go home now."
two minutes later he runs over, snuggles up behind my shoulder and lays his head on my back. "russie, you're a smart kid. i don't care what you do."
"leave it ashley. leave it man."
"ok, russie."

drug use is hitting an all-time high in muizenberg's street child population. our kids are slowly coming less and less. when we go to find them, they are glassy-eyed and indifferent. it's getting colder outside, which has left brontino with a nasty cough and a more immediate need for the high that takes away the cold and the pain of his little life. meanwhile, melvin's head got shaved by the gangster pedophile he chooses to live with--and he's got all the scabs and scars on his scalp. he's wearing a big bandage and a hat to hide it. "leave it ashley. no man, just leave it." i hear that alot.

damien and ricky have jobs, banking them 70 rand a day, which equals out to about 9 hours of intoxication thanks to the crystal meth they can purchase now. trying to converse with ricky was like talking to an alzheimer's patient, while damien was unable to shut up. story after story...comment after comment.

this all sounds so weird and unsafe, i'm sure. but it's really not. these kids would beat the tar out of anyone who tried to do anything. i've seen them attack adults who made comments to made that were out of line. they are rugrats, punks, kids with no structure or guidance or love. and yet, they are incredibly discerning and smart when it comes to judging intentions and character. they dish out a lot of junk because they don't want you to love them, they don't think you will stay around if they make it hard enough for you. russie especially has this problem--"now you cross. just leave it ashley." he doesn't know what to do with the unconditional love he gets. maybe if i see him smoke a joint, steal a skateboard from an innocent white kid, beg for money, or make comments about how i think he stole my computer, then i'll just give up on him and he can go back to believing he's all alone in the world.
russie then rode with me to ryan's house, and the two of them cleaned the broken glass out of my car. handful by bare handful, russie clinched pieces of glass and dumped them into the wastebasket. eventually he took the dustbin away from ryan, and swept it all up himself. he's not all bad. i don't think he realized he was serving me, loving me, helping me--in a very reciprocal way. he knew i didn't think he stole the computer.

i love these boys more today than i did 3 weeks ago when i didn't know as much about their lives. the more time i spend with people like ryan who have been in these kids lives, the more i let go and just pray for them.

i'm finding more normalcy these days. i'm not thinking constantly about these boys. i'm meeting friends and enjoying their company. i'm watching movies and playing cards and i even went putt-putt golfing with some kids the other day! that tells you something! but god is really REALLY teaching me some things that seem long-term, like he's shifting around some very fundamental pieces of my heart and mind, and instilling in me a peace that is greater than any danger or evil i encounter. things that once freaked me out or consumed me are now less emotional--break-ins, drug use, etc.

why am i still typing? this computer has kicked me offline 3 times now.

alright, happy easter. i leave you with some scripture that's soaking up alot of my thought processes: hebrews 4:12-16
"for the word of god is living and active. sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. nothing in all creation is hidden from god's sight. everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whome we must give account.
therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heaves, jesus the son of god, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympatize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."