the lost son.

in his book "the return of the prodigal son", the brilliant henri nouwen paints a picture of the possible inner workings in the mind of "the lost son" from luke 15. it makes me think of neiltjie. imagine feeling this way...

"i am not so sure anymore that i have a safe home, and i observe other people who seem to be better off than i. i wonder how i can get to where they are. i try hard to please, to achieve success, to be recognized. when i fail, i feel jealous or resentful of these others. when i succeed, i worry that others will be jealous or resentful of me. i become suspicious or defensive and increasingly afraid that i won't get what i so much desire or will lose what i already have. caught in this tangle of needs and wants, i no longer know my own motivations. i feel victimized by my surroundings and distrustful of what others are doing or saying. always on my guard, i lose my inner freedom and start dividing the world into those who are for me and those who are against me. i wonder if anyone really cares. i start looking for validations of my distrust. and wherever i go, i see them, and i say: "no one can be trusted". and then i wonder whether anyone ever really loved me. the world around me becomes dark. my heart grows heavy. my body is filled with sorrows. my life loses meaning. i have become a lost soul."