cracking under pressure.

i got both of these photos in my email today. one is of my friend stephen in russia. the other is of my parents at 1:15 saturday morning. who of these seems to be cracking under the pressure??? cast your vote now :)

is this true? a friend sent it to me. maybe one of my native american, internet-using friends will tell me if it's true or not :)

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of passage? His dad takes him into the forest - blindfolded -and leaves him.

He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not take off the blindfold until the ray of sun shines through it. He is all by himself. He cannot cry out for help to anyone.

Once he survives the night he is a MAN. He cannot tell the other boys of this experience. Each lad must come into his own manhood.

The boy was terrified. He could hear all kinds of noise. Beasts were all around him. Maybe even some human would hurt him. The wind blew the grass and and it shook his stump.

But he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It was the only way he could become a man.

Finally, after a horrific night, the sound of the night disappeared. He could feel the warmth of the sun. He removed his blindfold.

It was then that he saw his father - sitting on the stump next to him - on watch the entire night.

We are never alone. Even when we do not know it, our Father is protecting us. He is sitting on the stump beside us.
All we have to do is take off our blindfolds.

my newest child. his name is cowen. he's the first kid in capricorn who seems to understand my afrikaans speaking!!!!!!!!



did i ever show you what avril did to me??? this is what happens when you get engaged in cape town, south africa. their version of a wedding shower is to embarass the heck out of you. this is a picture of me begging for money outside a local mcdonald's.



while on our trip to the eastern cape, we stopped in the CREEPY town and ended up eating at an even CREEPIER restaurant. it was this very afrikaans meets colonial meets antique store meets new-age-fountains-that-let-out-smoke meets i-can't-believe-places-like-this-still-exist place. believe me, we got out of there as fast as we could. it took me a long time to get back to normal. this is a picture of me doing my famous nervous laugh!!



ryan eating cheese with a little bit of chili!!!! be proud, family! we are eating well :)

oprah update.

cape times excerpt, thursday, july 26th, 2007

"talk might be cheap, but oprah is not, TOPPING the list of the highest-paid television stars in the united states. oprah winfrey, host and supervising producer of the oprah winfrey show, earns an estimated $260 million a year, according to a list in TV Guide Magazine's July 23 issue."

just thinking back...

one family's tears.

Psalm 3:8 -- "from the LORD comes deliverance."

i've walked into this house hundreds of times before. i know that i can pull up halfway on the curb and still leave plenty of room for people to walk on the sidewalk. i know i must duck quite a bit as i enter the yard in order to avoid knocking my head on the wooden beam atop their fence -- a fence made of slabs of metal and tin, aligned with rotting wooden beams & held together with rusty nails. i know that when it has rained heavily, i must step carefully through the gate because a huge puddle awaits me on the other side.

i know that the piles of wood and rubble and rubbish in the yard move around but nothing really comes of them all. i know that entering the house requires walking up 2 steps, but never requires opening the front door--it's alway open. i know that the children of capricorn find through that open door a woman with an open heart. this woman, auntie margaret, shares her heart with the suffering of the world. she has no job, no flow of income, no human resources department or medical aid, nothing we define as "security". but she's got a heart of gold and the honesty of a true woman of god. and those two traits make her one of the greatest people i've ever met.

auntie m is a high-spirited, fiery force in capricorn. she sees it all. she knows everyone, and everyone knows her as "ma". but lately she hasn't been herself. most days i find her in bed or in tears: her body aches, her lungs hurt, her head throbs, her knees lock. she's coming down with something and it scares her.

she's been in and out of the hospital this past week. diagnosed with asthma, tested for HIV, believed to have tuberculosis--she's still not convinced. waiting for answers is making the whole family more nervous and on edge as they now see their servant-hearted, energetic mother lying in bed day after day as tears gently roll down her deep, dark, worn cheek.

"ashley! come now! auntie margaret is very sick!" i hear this today as i pick up the phone. once i arrived at her house, the pain had reached such a level that she was a nervous wreck: crying, getting angry, screaming to God for help. i sat with her, rubbing the back of a woman so strong but now so weak, feeling the bones protruding from her frail body.i watched as she went in and out of sleep. i rocked her screaming grandson so that there was one less noise in her house.

the ambulance was nothing but skeptical upon arrival (3 hours later). question after disbelieving question tore to the core of auntie m's deteriorating spirit. as she became more and more upset, the attention of the paramedics heightened. she was taken to the local clinic where she would hopefully (but unrealistically hopefully) be sent to a state hospital that could tend to her needs more specifically.

as soon as she left the house, her oldest daughter (stephie) threw the knife and carrot she had been slicing onto the dusty kitchen counter and threw herself on the bed, replacing her mother's cries for help with her own tears and wailing. i sat with stephie and put my hands on her head and back, knowing that a loving human touch in this time of pain would bring a deeper level of the expression of fear and hurt she was trying to hide. she lost it and this 17-year-old mother of two wept into her pillow as i rubbed her back and held her close, listening to the water boiling on the kitchen stove. i thought to myself as i often do, "how long has it been since someone took this girl/mother/child (or whoever it is) and sat with them while they cried? have they EVER actually been loved and held as they wept, or are they used to doing this without any empathy given from others around.

as stephie's crying quietened to a low hum of ache, i noticed a second voice in the room in a similar state of pain. i saw auntie m's next daughter (berry) in the corner attempting to wash her arms and face in a small pail of water. her body shook as she worked, trying to keep herself busy while she cried...unlike her older sister who threw everything aside when her own tears started.

i called berry over and she collapsed at my side, her head falling into my lap. for the next 20 minutes her crying didn't lessen or change: just deep, deep sobs over a life of hardship and a mother whose fate seemed so uncertain to this little girl. with her 13th birthday coming tomorrow, maybe she thought to herself that just having her mom well was the only gift worth wishing for.

time passed and before i knew it, my phone rang. all 7 of us piled into my car and raced to the clinic to fetch "ma". the hospital wouldn't help her. welcome to south africa.

i ask for you to pray for this woman. she's too valuable to loose now. she's too imperative to the well-being of too many people. as she said while we pulled away from the clinic, "i know god has something big in store for me because i stay on his side. i know he is with me."

(auntie m has no carpet in her concrete home. two mattresses for her, her husband, her 5 children, her two grandchildren, and the boy mingo she houses. there are maybe 4 or 5 blankets to go around. she doesn't have a heater and the weather here is unbelievably cold. the warmth of love that might overflow from your hearts as you read about auntie m today can be channeled into a tangible warmth she and her family can feel. if you feel led to help this woman, let me know what is being laid on your heart. god bless you for your warmth.)

so many thoughts #3: i'm starting to get angry every time i watch Oprah

sorry for you many many friends and family who love her....and i once did too....but the woman is getting a bit too big for her britches. i actually feel angry rising in me when i watch this show now. is it just me and ryan, or has she gotten too sassy? she's either going through some mid-life thing, whatever happens to people when they get old and stop giving a rip what they say out loud OR she's just got too much money, too much fame, and too much power for her own good. surely we can find biblical backing for the fact that money, power, and love of self makes one a bit looney and, for lack of a better word, mean.

i know, i know. she's gives people cars and houses and educations and all that stuff. she reunites mothers with their children. she opens the worlds eyes to the power of doing something for others. i see her "good" qualities. i see them.

but i think of that verse about how the Lord loves a cheerful giver. can we really see much "cheer" on that face or in that tone of voice anymore? or is it just the oprah that africa sees? cause i'm convinced she's lost track of what she was doing for so long...loving people, bringing good into the world, standing for something, giving an example to others with wealth and fame.

last night sealed the deal in my mind. the show was about this homeless dude who lives on the streets of los angeles. he was asked by some froo-froo white dude with alot of money if he could film a documentary (called "reversal of fortune") about this man's life of survival and self-reliance on the street. the man agreed.

every day this man works as a recycler. he goes to the local garbage bins and collects cans to sell for money. he says he makes about $20 per day.

he passed a drug test, a psychiatric evaluation, and a basic character assessment, all finding him to be competent and responsible, or as the filmmaker said, "middle of the road, a case we cannot predict."

so, eachday the film people follow him around. and then one day, they plant a brifcase with $100,000 U.S. dollars and a note that says "what happens when a homeless man receives $100,000.00"?. already this is stinking to high-heaven.

the show goes through how ted rodrigue, the homeless man, spends his money. now, granted he doesn't invest it so wisely. he apparently turned down financial planning offers and counseling by the man with the camera. ted bought himself a truck, as well as someone else a car. he hooked up with a woman, spent ALL his money on stuff and his girl, and came up with nothing to show for it, not even the woman. she left him when the money ran out.

in ted's own words, "i'm more in debt now than before i got the money. i wish i had never had it in the first place." oprah cannot seem to understand this, as well as the film man. they are both basically attacking ted for his financial negligence, his frivolous spending, and his desire to "give his money away" (correct me if i'm wrong, ms. winfrey...but who could he have likely learned that from in our modern world?).

ted opens up his hard, angry, embarassed heart to the entire nation: "i don't trust anyone... i'm not happy but i'm contented...my heart is so hard, i don't want anyone else coming in". how has this "social experiment" (as the film man called it") bettered ted's life? how has it led him to healing? how has it not just validated all the crap he's been through, self-inflicted or not, in his life? really, oprah, when did you switch sides in these life-stories? when did you stop giving people like ted a new house and a lot of money? not that it's what she should do at all, but when did she become so sympathetic with the one with the screwy ideas?

don't hate me, people. it's just my thoughts. i cannot help it. i don't think that moeny and ignorance are a good combination. what about giving ted love, consistency, a bit of a ladder to climb up? i belive the motive behind film man's documentary is best summed up, as is my frustration with oprah's confused motives as of late, in his ashley's-mind-blowing statement: "I learned that in providing somebody with the necessities to be able to turn their life around, a car, a telephone, a roof above their head, a driver's license, all the things that we hear is what somebody needs to be able to turn their life around, it still, unfortunately, in this particular case, was not enough."

so many thoughts #2: malcolm x

i just finished alex haley's book called "the autobiography of malcolm x". from @1959 until malcolm's death in (i think) 1964, haley became one of the few, and i mean FEW, people that malcolm x trusted with his life secrets and stories, as well as with the monumental task of compiling a book out of these deeply emotional and zealous opening-ups of x's mind and heart.
by the time the book was to be completed, malcolm x had long been burned (not literally) by the "black muslim" groups led by the claimed Messenger of Allah, Mr. Elijah Muhammad. he had taken his "hajj" to Mecca, which clearly marked the turn of his thinking in many ways: going from a zealous, angry african american "muslim", to a deeply orthodox, increasingly open-minded, angry african american muslim. his thinking (taught to him by mr. elijah muhammad) that all white people were "devils" shifted into an awareness that it wasn't the white man he hated and considered evil, but the systems and structures in america that allowed ANY race to think they were superior--and therefore maintain their way of living in that superiority--to another race. he began to come across scores of white people who respected him, who hated what had happened to the african race in america, and who wanted to join with him in changing the ways of thinking of so many whites at that time.

i just want to say that the book has stayed with me for many days. the first few were a bit hectic, including feelings of paranoia that i was being followed, as well as a deep anger at the countless poverty-stricken africans i live near to, the shacks i see everywhere, the clear line that still runs deep between white and black in this country. however, after these intense emotions subsided, and i started realizing I was not the one being chased by crazed gangsters-turned-"followers of elijah muhammad", i was able to really think about the book in a thankful, productive way.

it's incredible. it's challenging. it's heart-breaking. it's unlike anything else i've read. to quote spike lee, "the most important book i'll ever read. it changed the way i thought, it changed the way i acted. it has given me courage that i didn't know i had inside me. i'm one of the hundreds of thousands whose life was changed for the better."

so many thoughts #1: karakter

school started back yesterday after a 2 week holiday for the kids. for our grade 5 activity, we started a series of lessons on "karakter" ("charater" in english).

on the board, we drew a straight line. at the one end of the line we wrote the number "0", and the other end of the line had the number "100". next to the zero were the words "swak" (translated as "difficult" in english, but with a spiritual connotation, such as "it's so swak to walk through life without jesus") and the word "Satan". next to the one hundred mark, we wrote "sterk" ("strong"), and the name "Jesus".

therefore, "0" represented a bad character, one resembling Satan. "100" signified a strong character, perfect like Jesus.

we chose 3 different children in the class, two of whom had gotten into a fight on the playground just before we started class, and the third child was our dear friend carly boy. see a couple of previous blogs i've written if you don't recognize the name.

carly boy was the 3rd child to go up. we had seen the previous two kids rate their character as a bold 70 and 90--two kids who smoke and swear and are constantly breaking the school rules.

carly boy walks up, takes the piece of chalk, and circles "10". he sits back down at his desk. the teacher looks at me with a pained face and says "he has such a low sense of self-worth."

this moment really tore me up inside. i watched carly boy, i began studying his moves. i reminsced over the many encounters i have had with him recently that have been so painful and sad. i began to wonder about the truth of his self-assessment..."does he really side himself so closely with satan? and if so, why? what has happened in his own life that makes him believe he's innately such a bad kid?" that is absolutely heartbreaking if you really think about it.

take any child you know with a stable family, a regular school attendance, and no drug problem. pick the most "normal" ten year old you know. in your mind, envision them completing this task. would they also rate themselves a "10" out of "100"? most likely, the answer is no.

so, why does carly boy think this lowly of himself? is it just his honest, childlike truthfulness coming out...does he know the depth of his sinfulness in a way most adults try hiding from the world? is it because he smokes drugs and stays out late at night? is it due to his family who takes their anger out on him? maybe he is a bad kid after all, he wonders from time to time.

but what about the drug addiction and alcoholism around him? what about the fact that his house is a drug den and gangster haven? what about the fact that he doesn't have parents who encourage him and uplift him or spur him towards right living? what about the physical abuse his older brothers inflict upon him to release their own anger? what about the fact that he hangs out at the traffic light to get money instead of going home, because at home their isn't food anyways...much less people who get excited to see him like his regular "clients" by the traffic lights?

after school, i had a doctors appointment. early that morning, i had picked up a book in our house calld "Basic Child Psychiatry", thinking i might learn something useful about the lives of the kids i work with. and with god's divine insight, he led me to this page and these words...

"the quest for a sense of personal worth, so critical to small children, remains of central importance for human beings throughout their lives. it motivates much of our activity in seeking personal attachements and meaningful work...nothing is more important for the maintenance of well-being. conversely, no experience is more obviously distressing, or more intimately linked to emotional disturbances of many kinds and, in psychiatry, to various types of psychopathology, than is a diminised sense of worth or a low opinion of oneself.

for many disturbed children, a low measure of self-esteem is a central problem. this can be self-perpetuating or even self-reinforcing. as children act out their feelings of being 'bad' people, others in their environments may react by making critical remarsk of labelling them in one way or another, as inferior individuals.

so while we must look carefully at the background factors which have led to the situations we encounter when we assess disturbed children, we need also to consider the children's current views of themselves. we should strive to understand how these are being reinforced, or modified by their environments, in order to devise suitable treatment plans." (philip barker, 23-24)

i felt so convicted. how am i actually reinforcing carly boy's insecurities and sense of being a 'bad' person when i hold a grudge against him for being rude, or a judge him for being disrespectful. there is, of course, a need to teach kids these things, but how deep am i willing to let down my own assumptions and fears in order to see just where i can meet this child's paining heart?

as if these are any good, anyways.

but still, it's pictures. and we all know i apparently forgot how to use a camera lately.
no but seriously...i haven't been able to upload pictures in forever, so i'm just testing this with some pictures my friend sent from a recent event we did on Youth Day. it's a holiday in honor of the youth who were killed by apartheid police in sharpeville back in 1976. now we celebrate the power of the youth and their ability to make positive change in their communities.
here's me and john. john knew he was going to talk. i, on the other hand, came totally unaware. enjoy :)