quiet

i have felt really quiet lately. my head is still going and my thoughts are still sometimes serious and deep, but overall there is a quiet in my soul. i cannot explain it. it isn't necessarily a peace, or maybe it is. it's just that i still feel emotions and i still experience mourning over my losses as of late and i still feel depressed when i think about certain things, but my point is that i'm just not talking about it or really spending time investing in these emotions. they are just passing through like a storm.

i don't know i think anyone will care about this post. it's not exciting and it's got little encouragement to offer. but i just wanted to post something.

my dad left last night for burma. that was wierd. satan was all up in our drive to the airport and it pissed me off because it wasn't what i imagined. nothing is. that's my first lesson i need to learn for good.
but as he walked away to go through security with his team, he turned to me and gave me a huge hug, and i think he started prophesying over me. i know it sounds hokey to some of you, but it felt like God himself was speaking to my soul. i won't share what he said but it was really specific and really in line with what God's been saying to me over the past 3 months.

So i came home and reread some of my journals from my time in virginia, and i restudied the verses god used to keep my in america. and i saw that, based on where i am today and what i'm experiencing emotionally and mentally, God is really following through. He said some really specific things to me in Virginia about his timing, about things lingering but not delaying, about things "speaking of the end". And since I've been back I see him following through, giving more to the story.

--My garden friend Michelle nearly died in a wreck. I saw her a week and a half ago, alone. I had no one to share that experience with and it was hard. She was in so much pain and I wasn't even supposed to be there, it just happened that i literally wandered into her hallway and found her room. It made me so dizzy and nauseaus just being in her presence. It was like i was in a dream. I saw her again today, and she was up giving hugs, eating pureed food, reading cards, laughing, playing her guitar, and making jokes like normal. When she told me to tell my dad hello, I said that he was in Burma. She IMMEDIATELY said "and how are you with that? you're not ok." a moment of silence, and then she said, "but i'm glad you are here today." This girl's been on morhphine and other drugs for 3 weeks, and she immediately responded with empathy. I have people who haven't even thought to ask about that, and she did. What? I'm not trying to say that people should think of me all the time, but it was a huge learning lesson for me, that this is just Michelle's nature. It quieted me. Her whole experience has spoken of the end.

--Kyle Lake died this week, and Seth & Arley flew to Texas for the funeral. It's changed them, and I'm seeing how kyle's "speaking of the end" in life and death is quieting my friends.

--An old friend came to It's a Grind this mornings, someone from my past who I loved and tried to care for deeply. This person really hurt me in the end, but when they walked in my heart melted. This person was near the end of life and God saved them...and it's seemed to quiet them for a time.

I had lots of other examples but i've forgotten them all. I also had lots of great qutoes and songs and all, but now i'm just quiet. and i want to go to bed.

my dad lands in burma in 2 hours. that means he's somewhere above vietnam right now in a plane. how wierd is that?