"as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth." good luck, ashley.

isaiah 58:9-11 says:
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you SPEND YOURSELF in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."

I just received a text message from my friend Katharina (the german girl I've told you about) saying, "I ask you tonight to pray for me. I am so confused. I feel like I'm not able to handle the contast between rich and poor anymore. And I don't know what God wants me to do-I see so much pain and need around me. My heart continues to break everyday anew."

Thousands of years ago God spoke some truths through isaiah that He new were going to last for a long time. One, there is oppression in the world. Two, it's a heavy load to carry, should you willingly allow yourself to be aware of its presence in the world. Three, most people will only point fingers, spit out facts, blame governments or leaders. They will not attempt to do anything about it. They will not allow the yoke of oppression to become a burden they carry. They will only talk about it.

Romans 12:1 has Paul telling his readers to offer their bodies as living sacrifices-as a spiritual act of worship-and to remember God's mercy in the process. Somewhere along the line, God clued us in to another truth: we are going to need mercy if we try to do anything about the problems of this world. We'll need that mercy to SEE the oppression, then to be able to carry that yoke alongside the hurting world. But on the flip side of this, we're going to need his mercy because we are going to feel like we're screwing up, doing something wrong, or worse yet--doing nothing at all. There are no guarantees that we'll be equally "effective" as we are "sacrifical". Most of our spending of ourselves (as isaiah words it) will go unnoticed or even misjudged. We'll find that, much to our dismay, people are more likely to point fingers and talk maliciously about our obedience to become living sacrifices, to become one's who spend ourselves for God.

This is where I am today. I've seen the results of oppression. I've been told "carry this", but I don't know how long I am the bearer of this weight. Sometimes I hope it's mine for many years. Other times, like today, I struggle with wanting to go back to pointing fingers. I don't want to carry this today. And my desire to lay it down is not because it's too heavy--it's because the pointing fingers are all around me. According to many people in this part of my life, I'm not doing something right. I'm not "effective".

But I haven't been asked to be effective. I haven't been taught how to make a difference, if we're using their rulers to measure such a lofty goal. I've only been asked to spend myself for these kids, to pour out all I am as a living sacrfice. And with that comes some failure, some sin, some mistakes. If I'm pouring out all I am, then I'm quickly seen as imperfect when the contents of Ashley Lovell spill out onto the lives of these kids.

Christ says that we have to take up our cross, to deny ourselves. Galatians 1:10 asks me, "Ashley, who are you trying to please? Man or God?" If my answer is the former, then I'm not a servant of Christ. And I want to be a servant of Christ. But I don't know how to deny myself of the lifelong habit I've fed of worrying so much about whether or not I can ALSO get the favor of everyone on the side of a big serving of pleasing God. I've been unable, all my life, to rid myself of the curse of internalizing what you say of me, my work, my heart, my choices.

"Complicated creatures we are, aware of only the smallest fragment of ourselves; seeking good and yet far too often unable to tell the difference between right and wrong; misunderstanding each otehr and so blundering into the tragedies of warring nations, horrendous discrepancies between rich and poor, and the idiocy of a divided Christendom."