AL.

life is really weird these days. i mean, REALLY weird.
i go through these seasons of having really intense dreams. i'll not remember my dreams for months on end, then suddenly find myself dreaming so vividly and realistically that i start confusing dreams with reality.
example:
over the course of the last 3 weeks, i've probably dreamed about burma 15 times. sometimes my world here mixes with my world there, so that i see russie and bala on the streets of yangon, or the monks are hiking table mountain. sometimes i see myself driving to capricorn but end up at kaba aye paya sitting on the floor before a big golden buddha, eating bananas.
most recently i was pseudoremembering my little street boys on bo aung kyaw street, the ones who called me ice cream. i was reliving that late night riding home in the taxi where i saw one begging on the side of traders hotel, and i freaked out and jumped out of am moving vehicle and sprinted back to the corner, embraced the kid, and walked back to my house with him. remember him--i thought the army had taken him after that night he threw stones at the blind man with the weight machine in front of the hindu temple? wow...that was a loaded sentence.

anyways, i've been heartbroken over burma as of late. most of you know, i would be there if not for an unforeseen series of events that i still cannot explain or doubt. god simply rerouted me and i'm in africa, completely at peace, completely feeling led to stay a long time, completely unsure what that means for all my dreams of burmese monks and orphans and street kids. south africa is in a much more accessible place when it comes to fighting injustice and poverty. burma's not ready for people like me. we'd end up killed or excommunicated from the country.

so, today i was checking my email and suddenly a little window popped up, some unnamed person wanting to chat with me. i'd seen this before and ignored it because i didn't know who it was, but this time there was a message that said "i knew an ashley in burma once. but she bugged out and moved to africa."

20 minutes later, i've spilled the contents of my burmabreaking heart to this "stranger", asking "who are you" but getting no direct answer. finally i asked "what country do you live in?" and they said "if you could live in any asian country in the world, which one would it be?"
I immediately responded.
He immediately said he lived there, in burma.

and then he said something that freaked me out, something so true to the personality and attitude and communication style of an old friend in burma who was hurt by "my" decision not to come back to asia.

i started crying uncontrollably. i couldn't even see the computer screen.

god has a beautiful way of bringing truth and love back to the surface in his time. thank you god for this. thank you SC for your understanding and your friendship. thank you for healing such a huge chunk of my heart today.

i wonder if i'll be dreaming about burma tonight? something tells me the wrestling in my heart has been eased today.


this marks the 4th pending conversation that has finally surfaced in my life in the past 3 days. god has a way of bringing truth out in his time. thanks to you people who have talked with me about important matters, for your words surely eased a part of the aching in my heart.

"i will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." (ps. 4.8)