i keep falling in love with this man.

"trust in the lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
delight yourself in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
commit your way to the lord; trust in him and he will do this:
he will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, and the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
be still before the lord and wait patiently for him..." -psalm 37:3-7a

yesterday god and i had breakfast, which turned into lunch. i sat on the wooden floor of my empty living room, blanket underneath me and coffee beside me. i read through some journal entries of the past 8 months. i saw such strong themes developing in my life. i saw hundreds of little prayers god has answered. i was reminded of his faithfulness. i experienced the freedom found in communion with jesus.

i keep falling in love with this man.

it's the only love i know that doesn't present reasons to fear. last night i learned that when you are afraid to say "no" to someone, you are not free to love them. the cool thing with jesus is that i don't feel led to say no to him if i'm communing with him, because he starts making my desires and dreams parallel to his own. so i'm not being asked to do something i'm tempted to say "no" to.

this man, jesus, is so captivating. i remember when i bought a laminated drawing of jesus on the street in burma. i'm pretty sure no one knew who it was supposed to be a drawing of, because burma and jesus aren't on good terms most days. but i bought it because my spirit was so dry and when i saw this man's face on the dirty burmese street, i had to have more of it. i hung it up so that when i lay in my bed, i would be staring at him on the opposite wall.

i'm not kidding--i would audibly talk to jesus for hours. he just sat there, looking at me with this half-smile. sometimes, i'd be weeping on my bed, crying out to him for the monks or the city or my own sinful state.
patty griffin says, in her song "making pies", jesus stares at me in my chair with his big blue eyes and his honey brown hair and he's looking at me from way up there on the wall." that's exactly what it was like.
maybe i just did too many drugs in college, but i'm pretty sure jesus started talking back at some point. because i started hearing him say things, and i'd write them down. pages and pages of jesus words.

so yesterday, at my breakfast with jesus, i was reading these words and just standing, or sitting rather, in awe of this man. this man who keeps his promises. this man who loves me so unconditionally. this man who pursued me and wooed me and who doesn't let my heart wander too far off without coming to fetch it again. it's like that hymn "come thou fount of every blessing" that says prone to wander, lord i feel it. prone to leave the god i love. here's my heart, lord, take and seal it. seal it for thy courts above.

all i'm trying to say in this most random of blogs is that jesus is so worth your time and your heart and your devotion and your sacrifice and your TRUST (a big one for me) and all the other things you don't want to give him. he's so true to his word. he's so in charge, and his ways are so much better than yours or mine. but it's that choice we have to make to relax in his arms, trusting he's going to do what's best, not only for us, but ultimately for his kingdom. that heavenly perspective we loose hold of all the time.

a few days ago, poom and i were in the park playing soccer. we had just had a screaming match with one another over something random. yes, i had a screaming match with a 12 year old street boy. that's beside the point.
the point IS that we were standing there, and it was the perfect moment to play that TRUST game you always had to do at girl scout camp. the one where you fall back into the persons arms and not freak out, flailing your arms about, turning your head to see if the person was still going to catch you.

and i explained the rules to poom. and the kid did it without hesitating. without looking back. without bending his knees and ensuring he'd catch himself if i failed to. he just threw himself backwards without question. i told him i'd catch him and he took me at my word. he didn't think about how bad it would hurt if he hit the ground. he didn't consider the possibility that i'd back out on my promise.

that's what i'm trying to say. god will catch us. why do we spend so much time doubting that?

there's great freedom in loving jesus. i like that we call it "falling in love" because, like the trust game, we let go of our practical, reasonable, plans of action and blah blah blah. we just fall.