"if we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgement and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of moses died without mercy on the testimony of 2 or 3 witnesses. how much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the son of god underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the spirit of grace? for we know him who said, "it is mine to avenge; i will repay," and again, "the lord will judge his people." it is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living god.

remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. you sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew taht you yourselves had better and lasting possesions.

so do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of god, you will receive what he has promised. for in just a very little while, "he who is coming will come and will nto delay. but my righteous one will live by faith. and if he shrinks back, i will not be pleased with him." but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
hebrews 10. 26-39

i've got no idea where to start. i should try but i am too tired. too tired of trying. something conforted my last night. i sat in the checkers parking lot with melissa, ryan, and worm...plus the kids minus russie and neiltjie. i was stressing because of so many reasons, and i just looked at my adult friends and said, "that's it, i'm the crazy one. the only way i can continue to live in this world is if i believe i'm the crazy one, and everyone else is sane."
ryan started laughing and said he'd started telling himself that a long time ago. god, at least i'm learning something valuable.

but seriously, i have to believe i'm the abnormal one (i am in this world) and everyone else is "normal". then i can carry on with my life.

these verses in hebrews are what god showed me last night before i saw the kids at checkers. they are going to be my motivation to keep on in this time. please pray for neiltjie, russie, and bala--that god would free them from addiction and gang life. pray for keaton--that the pain in his little heart wouldn't lead him to hate my love for him. pray for randall, whose so paranoid and worked up about some misunderstandings that he could reach a place of genuine forgiveness. and pray for alfred and mano--that they'd either turn from their wickedness or quickly start spending a long part of their life behind bars.

and pray that i could finish mandela's autobiography in the near future!