dump truck i am

for all of you i've dumped my junk on over the last few days, i'm sorry. i know i shouldn't apologize and you are all saying "no, no, keep talking. it's good for you." much thanks for those words. however, the time has come, the chimes have rung, the tick-tock has ticked, the hour has struck. it's midnight and i'm no longer the princess for you all to give your attention to, your listening ear to, your thoughtful love to. i'm done. and i'm sorry.
throughout the years i've really tried to lose some old habits and things that were a natural part of my life. from my upbringing and my own life experiences, i've established some unrealties in my life that must be held up to the light.
there are the truths that have surfaced through this process of examination:
1-my issues are stupid. god is sovereign.
2-my friends love me. that's more than most people have.
3-my heart is easily broken.
4-i don't give in 1/2's. all or nothing.
5-i like listening to people and knowing them. i don't like walls. i don't like hermits. i don't like when people aren't honest with themselves.
6-i appreciate authenticity even when it hurts. i like people who are willing to look foolish for what they believe in.
7-i think about my own problems wayyy tooo muchhhh. overkill. sometimes i wonder how much good i could do if i put all my mental energy towards what is true and noble and lovely and excellent and praiseworthy. if i set my mind on things above, not on earthly things.
8-i hate injustice. i hate things that aren't fair. which leaves me hating lots of the time.
9-i don't want to be a hater. so i have to read lots about forgiveness and letting go of expectations. i like al-anon and the 12 steps b/c they explain this to me.
10-my heart triple skips a beat when i think about other countries.
11-i'm growing out of lots of my old insecurities. i have some new ones, but all in all i like who i am, i'm comfortable in my skin, i don't spend my time comparing myself to other girls, and i like being natural.
12-my priorities get off course when boys come into the picture. all you boys...back off.

that's about it. and i realized that all things are incomplete. i've spent lots of time thinking that this or that will happen in my life and make me more complete. that's BS. no job, no person, no assignment, no money, no day off, no conversation of affirmation, no easy breezy beautiful cover girl is going to complete me. so i need to get used to feeling waves of incompleteness, hopelessness, overwhelming frustration with all i cannot do, and hurt from those who are in my life. it's all part of the bag. and it's been around since the beginning. god says we now see a poor reflection and we only know in part. later, when we are with him, we will know in full AND be fully known. isn't that what i'm looking for? and isn't it only found through death--both here and beyond.
so i'm sorry for all the crap i've dumped on you and for all the words i've sent through your ears. i'm going to try and not do that anymore. i'm going to try and use this frustration for creative good. or for productive good. like today when i sprinted a full mile just out of built-up annoyance at my own self-centered thoughts today. seth, thanks for putting up with me ALL OVER NASHVILLE.

thanks for thinking i'm someone you want in your life. you people are all just so great. i appreciate you very much.

and i'm going to bed now. goodnight.