things i'm thankful for:
1--God's ability to grant freedom and rest.
2--peace in the midst of pain.
3--jake severino, who just said "if you press on pennies, will they fly?" and is asking me to cut out letters from paper.
4--amanda being in spain.
5--peanut butter.
6--sharpies.
7--thunderstorms.
8--asian people.
9--old blind dogs
10--california.
Behind each of these is a million memories. Thank you God for moments. And for teaching me that this moment is the place to be. And for showing me that you are like an ocean and I am like a drop of rain. you dip me down into who you are and what you are doing, you make me part of that bigger thing, then you return me to you.
.loving all of it even while he had to hate some of it because he knows now that you don't love because: you love despite; not for the virtues, but despite the faults. --william faulkner
Monday, 28 November 2005
Saturday, 26 November 2005
the intolerable thirst of the suffering.
Define suffering.
Is it always unjust?
Why does suffering exist?
We hear statistics, of which I searched all day long--planning to list them out for you. I wanted the shock factor to dominate the introduction to this blog. But after about an hour on the internet, reading story after story, surfing from website to webiste, i realized how numbing statistics are. They are way over our heads. So I left them out.
Here are some of the websites I visited today, if you are interested. The last one is a video that actually really annoys me, but it's worth seeing:
international justice mission
amnesty international
jubilee debt campaign
ONE campaign video
and just for fun: good ole' cs
Back to my questions. Why does God allow suffering? I ask this everyday. Why do squatter women with no real means of attaining their own building/home in certain Southeast Asian countires live under the fear of a government that tramps through the countryside looking for someone to prey upon?
Why are the death tolls of women in Guatemala between January and November of this year in the 500 range?
Why do girls in Thailand complacently sell their bodies to faceless monsters for a small fee?
Why are children in India bonded laborers for 50 cent debts incurred through medical bills from their sisters near death experience after being brutally raped?
Why did 98% of Achenese residents in certain parts of Sumatra die when the tsunami hit?
Why are Moldovan orphans sold to Italy, Germany, the U.S., and other countries in a business that contributes to the $9.5 BILLION generated in annual revenue from human trafficking?
What is suffering? Is it always unjust? What is the purpose of coerced pain?
I want to know how God can sit and watch generations, billions of years of countless moments of injustice. I want to know, because it's real. It is real, maybe not in my world. But this stuff happens, and I want to know how God can just allow it. I'd love your thoughts, and don't be afraid to say something "wrong".
As Americans, we don't know much about injustice. We just don't. It's not our faults, really. I mean, we cannot control where we are born and raised, the family we acquire, the environment around us. We are creatures destined for a certain upbrining. But there comes an age in life when we have to start accepting responsiblity for our ignorance. That age, for any of us reading (or writing) this, has come.
So welcome to the wake up. This is it. This is my attempt to awaken myself from my sleep. From my "Can you believe the AIDS problem in Africa? Now, let's go eat some chicken" existence. As I've said before, this is not the way the rest of the world lives.
So, God. How do you allow this? Clearly you are omnipotent. Clearly you've seen it all, from the first to the last cry from the pits of unjust suffering. If it pisses me off to read one story in one book about one kid suffering like this, how do you, being God and all you claim to be, allow this?
I'd like to say I found the answer in the Bible. And I"m sure it is there. But today, when I was asking this question, I found that I'd left my Bible at It's a Grind. I have others, but they are hard to navigate. They are not MY bible, where things are marked and stamped and highlighted and tabbed.
So I turned to Gary Haugen, president of International Justice Mission. I'm in the dead middle of his book "Good News About Injustice." Seemed like a good place to look.
Seriously, God is awesome. And he answered my questions. PLEASE read this and see the answer, at least the answer I am completely able to accept.
Haugen's outline: 1) we don't know the secrets of God. We know in part.
Deuteronomy 29:29 'There are things hidden, and they belong to the LORD our God, but what is revealed belongs to us and our children for ever; it is for us to observe all that is prescribed in this law.' (new english bible)
2) (this is the answer) we remember the cross.
John Stott said it right: "I could never myself believe in a God, if it were not for the cross. The only God I believe in is the One Nietzsche ridiculed as "God on the cross". In a real world of pain, how could one worship a God who was immune to it? I have entered many Buddhist temples in different Asian countries and stood respectfully before the stature of Buddha, his legs crossed, arms folded, eyes closed, the ghost of a smile playing round his mouth, a remote look on his face, detached from the agonies of the world. But each time after a while I have had to turn away. And in imagination I have turned instead to that lonely, twisted, tortured figure on the cross, nails through hands and feet, back lacerated, limbs wrenched, brow bleeding from thorn pricks, mouth dry and intolerably thirsty, plunged in God-forsaken darkness. That is the God for me! He laid aside his immunity to pain. He entered our world of flesh and blood, tears and death. He suffered for us. Our suffering became more manageable in light of his. There is still a question mark against human suffering, but over it we boldly stamp another mark, the cross which symbolizes divine suffering. "The cross of Christ...is God's only self-justification in a world such as ours."
Haugen responds, and this is SO good: "So when at times I flippantly challenge the Almighty as to why he allows horrendous suffering, I am pulled up in a shudder of humility as I recall that there is no measure of his creation's suffering that he has not been willing to bear himself."
AH!--as Joshua would say. God, that is good. Literally, "God, that is good."
This perspective is so obvious, I guess, but I never thought of it. That the suffering of Christ, the real unjust suffering inflicted upon one man for the sins of all who've lived and died and suffered and inflicted suffering, inclusively covers every form of suffering. And, if you believe in anything God says to us, then you believe EVERYTHING God says to us, which leaves you believing that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and died for us.
Gimme some comments. If you made it this far!
"god whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our painL it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." --my boy jack
Is it always unjust?
Why does suffering exist?
We hear statistics, of which I searched all day long--planning to list them out for you. I wanted the shock factor to dominate the introduction to this blog. But after about an hour on the internet, reading story after story, surfing from website to webiste, i realized how numbing statistics are. They are way over our heads. So I left them out.
Here are some of the websites I visited today, if you are interested. The last one is a video that actually really annoys me, but it's worth seeing:
international justice mission
amnesty international
jubilee debt campaign
ONE campaign video
and just for fun: good ole' cs
Back to my questions. Why does God allow suffering? I ask this everyday. Why do squatter women with no real means of attaining their own building/home in certain Southeast Asian countires live under the fear of a government that tramps through the countryside looking for someone to prey upon?
Why are the death tolls of women in Guatemala between January and November of this year in the 500 range?
Why do girls in Thailand complacently sell their bodies to faceless monsters for a small fee?
Why are children in India bonded laborers for 50 cent debts incurred through medical bills from their sisters near death experience after being brutally raped?
Why did 98% of Achenese residents in certain parts of Sumatra die when the tsunami hit?
Why are Moldovan orphans sold to Italy, Germany, the U.S., and other countries in a business that contributes to the $9.5 BILLION generated in annual revenue from human trafficking?
What is suffering? Is it always unjust? What is the purpose of coerced pain?
I want to know how God can sit and watch generations, billions of years of countless moments of injustice. I want to know, because it's real. It is real, maybe not in my world. But this stuff happens, and I want to know how God can just allow it. I'd love your thoughts, and don't be afraid to say something "wrong".
As Americans, we don't know much about injustice. We just don't. It's not our faults, really. I mean, we cannot control where we are born and raised, the family we acquire, the environment around us. We are creatures destined for a certain upbrining. But there comes an age in life when we have to start accepting responsiblity for our ignorance. That age, for any of us reading (or writing) this, has come.
So welcome to the wake up. This is it. This is my attempt to awaken myself from my sleep. From my "Can you believe the AIDS problem in Africa? Now, let's go eat some chicken" existence. As I've said before, this is not the way the rest of the world lives.
So, God. How do you allow this? Clearly you are omnipotent. Clearly you've seen it all, from the first to the last cry from the pits of unjust suffering. If it pisses me off to read one story in one book about one kid suffering like this, how do you, being God and all you claim to be, allow this?
I'd like to say I found the answer in the Bible. And I"m sure it is there. But today, when I was asking this question, I found that I'd left my Bible at It's a Grind. I have others, but they are hard to navigate. They are not MY bible, where things are marked and stamped and highlighted and tabbed.
So I turned to Gary Haugen, president of International Justice Mission. I'm in the dead middle of his book "Good News About Injustice." Seemed like a good place to look.
Seriously, God is awesome. And he answered my questions. PLEASE read this and see the answer, at least the answer I am completely able to accept.
Haugen's outline: 1) we don't know the secrets of God. We know in part.
Deuteronomy 29:29 'There are things hidden, and they belong to the LORD our God, but what is revealed belongs to us and our children for ever; it is for us to observe all that is prescribed in this law.' (new english bible)
2) (this is the answer) we remember the cross.
John Stott said it right: "I could never myself believe in a God, if it were not for the cross. The only God I believe in is the One Nietzsche ridiculed as "God on the cross". In a real world of pain, how could one worship a God who was immune to it? I have entered many Buddhist temples in different Asian countries and stood respectfully before the stature of Buddha, his legs crossed, arms folded, eyes closed, the ghost of a smile playing round his mouth, a remote look on his face, detached from the agonies of the world. But each time after a while I have had to turn away. And in imagination I have turned instead to that lonely, twisted, tortured figure on the cross, nails through hands and feet, back lacerated, limbs wrenched, brow bleeding from thorn pricks, mouth dry and intolerably thirsty, plunged in God-forsaken darkness. That is the God for me! He laid aside his immunity to pain. He entered our world of flesh and blood, tears and death. He suffered for us. Our suffering became more manageable in light of his. There is still a question mark against human suffering, but over it we boldly stamp another mark, the cross which symbolizes divine suffering. "The cross of Christ...is God's only self-justification in a world such as ours."
Haugen responds, and this is SO good: "So when at times I flippantly challenge the Almighty as to why he allows horrendous suffering, I am pulled up in a shudder of humility as I recall that there is no measure of his creation's suffering that he has not been willing to bear himself."
AH!--as Joshua would say. God, that is good. Literally, "God, that is good."
This perspective is so obvious, I guess, but I never thought of it. That the suffering of Christ, the real unjust suffering inflicted upon one man for the sins of all who've lived and died and suffered and inflicted suffering, inclusively covers every form of suffering. And, if you believe in anything God says to us, then you believe EVERYTHING God says to us, which leaves you believing that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and died for us.
Gimme some comments. If you made it this far!
"god whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our painL it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." --my boy jack
Thursday, 24 November 2005
joshua imagined.
i sure do wish they had cameras back in bible times. i'd give a lot to see what Joshua looked like. I think he was a hottie. I really do.
I think he was young, maybe my age. After all, I am young :)
I think of him in American ways...but I guess he was an Arab. hmmm...i cannot remember ever finding an arab male physically attractive, but i am sure there are exceptions. let's pretend he was really hot.
this morning over coffee and raisin bran, i knew God was leading me to read Joshua. I woke up in fear. To be honest, I am afraid of lots of stuff right now. And satan's really pressing in to me right now, I felt him alot yesterday. I felt really unable to be near God but I knew I was...I just knew I was being lied to by the enemy. I was way to worried about things that don't matter. And that's nothing of God.
"Then Joshua tore his clothes and fell facedown to the ground before the ark of the Lord, remaining there till evening. The elders of Israel did the same, and sprinkled dust on their heads. And Joshua said, "Ah, Sovereign Lord, why did you ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destory us?...What then will you do for your own great name."
The LORD said to Joshua, "Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?"
I laughed out loud as I read this. Soy milk came spewing out of my nose, I found this so humorous. God speaking always makes my heart beat a little faster. Like when I'm reading the chronicles and Aslan appears. For those who read these books, you know it's a short lived scene but it's going to blow your mind and leave you with goosebumps.
I was so into this story, imagining Joshua prostrate, torn clothes, disheveled hair and tear-stained face, screaming "AH!!" at God. And that was really attractive to me. A man on his face before God. Thinking he'd done the right thing, thinking God had led him through Jericho and to the city of Ai to capture it. Thinking his second major war decision was flawless: send 3000 men instead of the whole army (Joshua 7:4). And they come back, tail between their legs, defeated in their own eyes. How awful would this feel for Joshua? i just wanted to comfort him.
But then God speaks and I realized Joshua's tactic of asking God for clarity was too complicated. If God has made a promise and then it seems that the opposite is happening, our first move should not be to question God. It should be to question ourselves? Have we been disobedient? Is God witholding something he promised BECAUSE we aren't keeping our end of the deal. Looking back on my own life, it's been either YES or I'm just rushing God. It's never been that God lied or forgot what he said or changed his promise. He added on to it or completed it and immediatel started something else, but he never broke his word. And he never will.
So God's telling Joshua "Get up, doofus! What are you doing down on your face?"
Turns out the Israelites had stolen some goods from Jericho and buried them in their tents, something God had specifically said not to do: "But keep away from the devoted things, so that you will not bring about your own destruction by taking any of them. Otherwise you will make the camp of Israel liable to destruction and bring trouble on it." (Joshua 6:18)
Oops!
The answer was simple. Israel had been disobedient (Again!). God kept his word, he punished the whole camp for their disobedience.
What does this mean for our lives?
Well, what has God told us he'd do but not yet done? And what are we doing to skimp out on our side of the deal? He's got to keep his word, even if it means destroying us or our plans.
So, that means a lot for me today. God's destroyed alot of my plans, even things he gave me that I knew were good and gifts from him. But they came with an agreement--an agreement I broke. So, God took those gifts away and moved on.
Luckily, he moved me on too and he's doing something new. Thank God for forgiveness.
"The journey had begun. And now the fear back again, the fear of the unknown, the fear of the great city where boys were killed crossing the street, the fear of...sickness...
Deep down the fear of a man who lives in a world not made for him, whose own world is slipping away, dying, being destroyed, beyond any recall.
Already the knees are weak of the man who a moment since had shown his little vanity, told his little lie, before these respectful people.
The humble man reached in his pocket for his sacred book, and began to read. It was this world alone that was certain."
--Alan Paton. Cry, the Beloved Country.
I think he was young, maybe my age. After all, I am young :)
I think of him in American ways...but I guess he was an Arab. hmmm...i cannot remember ever finding an arab male physically attractive, but i am sure there are exceptions. let's pretend he was really hot.
this morning over coffee and raisin bran, i knew God was leading me to read Joshua. I woke up in fear. To be honest, I am afraid of lots of stuff right now. And satan's really pressing in to me right now, I felt him alot yesterday. I felt really unable to be near God but I knew I was...I just knew I was being lied to by the enemy. I was way to worried about things that don't matter. And that's nothing of God.
"Then Joshua tore his clothes and fell facedown to the ground before the ark of the Lord, remaining there till evening. The elders of Israel did the same, and sprinkled dust on their heads. And Joshua said, "Ah, Sovereign Lord, why did you ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destory us?...What then will you do for your own great name."
The LORD said to Joshua, "Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?"
I laughed out loud as I read this. Soy milk came spewing out of my nose, I found this so humorous. God speaking always makes my heart beat a little faster. Like when I'm reading the chronicles and Aslan appears. For those who read these books, you know it's a short lived scene but it's going to blow your mind and leave you with goosebumps.
I was so into this story, imagining Joshua prostrate, torn clothes, disheveled hair and tear-stained face, screaming "AH!!" at God. And that was really attractive to me. A man on his face before God. Thinking he'd done the right thing, thinking God had led him through Jericho and to the city of Ai to capture it. Thinking his second major war decision was flawless: send 3000 men instead of the whole army (Joshua 7:4). And they come back, tail between their legs, defeated in their own eyes. How awful would this feel for Joshua? i just wanted to comfort him.
But then God speaks and I realized Joshua's tactic of asking God for clarity was too complicated. If God has made a promise and then it seems that the opposite is happening, our first move should not be to question God. It should be to question ourselves? Have we been disobedient? Is God witholding something he promised BECAUSE we aren't keeping our end of the deal. Looking back on my own life, it's been either YES or I'm just rushing God. It's never been that God lied or forgot what he said or changed his promise. He added on to it or completed it and immediatel started something else, but he never broke his word. And he never will.
So God's telling Joshua "Get up, doofus! What are you doing down on your face?"
Turns out the Israelites had stolen some goods from Jericho and buried them in their tents, something God had specifically said not to do: "But keep away from the devoted things, so that you will not bring about your own destruction by taking any of them. Otherwise you will make the camp of Israel liable to destruction and bring trouble on it." (Joshua 6:18)
Oops!
The answer was simple. Israel had been disobedient (Again!). God kept his word, he punished the whole camp for their disobedience.
What does this mean for our lives?
Well, what has God told us he'd do but not yet done? And what are we doing to skimp out on our side of the deal? He's got to keep his word, even if it means destroying us or our plans.
So, that means a lot for me today. God's destroyed alot of my plans, even things he gave me that I knew were good and gifts from him. But they came with an agreement--an agreement I broke. So, God took those gifts away and moved on.
Luckily, he moved me on too and he's doing something new. Thank God for forgiveness.
"The journey had begun. And now the fear back again, the fear of the unknown, the fear of the great city where boys were killed crossing the street, the fear of...sickness...
Deep down the fear of a man who lives in a world not made for him, whose own world is slipping away, dying, being destroyed, beyond any recall.
Already the knees are weak of the man who a moment since had shown his little vanity, told his little lie, before these respectful people.
The humble man reached in his pocket for his sacred book, and began to read. It was this world alone that was certain."
--Alan Paton. Cry, the Beloved Country.
Wednesday, 23 November 2005
He's in all that is good.
I highly recommend this book to any one of you. It was given to me as a representation of one of God's most blessed gifts: the value of uniqueness in friendship. Amy Jacobs, who I love and respect and find great joy in knowing and being with, gave this to me one day out of the blue. She saw it and thought of me. Those are the best gifts.
The author, Ric Erbenbright, began his traveling photography career a nonbeliever. Spending most of his time in India, Pakistan/the middle east, Ecuador, Nepal and China (see why I love the man--he loves asia!), he photographed God's creation: earth, people, the things they have made, family, marriage, labor. Unknowingly, he was compiling the very images of his now blatantly Christian books, The Art of God and The Image of God: The Glory of Man.
It was through his travels, through his subjects, through his very camera lens, that God began to take shape in his heart. Imagine countless trips alone, nights in lonely hotel rooms, long days in deserted mountain towns, tramping through evil and spiritual bondage. A life such as this would lead anyone to question "what is man?" (psalm 8), the verse Ric uses to open this book.
Ric became a Christian through these photos. The people of the world led him to Christ without even knowing it. He saw too much he couldn't explain, from towering Himalayan mountains to children suffering under Communist dictatorship to men laboring under scorching sunrays only to earn enough to maintain a poverty-stricken existence in a barren land.
His story is amazing. His books tell his story. Both life and books speak of a God we all long to know should we dare to invite him into our own life pictures.
Monday, 21 November 2005
simon says:
greetings,
> i have been very happy the whole day until now. now that i am reading you
> mail i am very happy than before. perhaps somethings is going to happen with
> me????????
> congratulations for making it to africa, welcome home and will be seeing
> each other very soon.
> i was thinking of writing but could not find enough time. even now i am
> writing this mail, it seems my instincts tells me to rush and go somewhere
> because i am really extremly happy.
> when are you moving to this side of the world? when will i see you again?
> how is life that side of the world?
> until we meet agiain, wishing you all the best.
> happier
> big bro,
> simon!
working at an orphanage in africa.
making something out of clay at an orphanage in burma.
in burma.
This man makes me so happy! He's truly one of the wisest men I know. I've always told him that.
He used to tell me that I'd end up in Africa one day, but I just laughed because anything that wasn't Asia was out of the picture.
Well, he was right! I cannot wait to see him again.
> i have been very happy the whole day until now. now that i am reading you
> mail i am very happy than before. perhaps somethings is going to happen with
> me????????
> congratulations for making it to africa, welcome home and will be seeing
> each other very soon.
> i was thinking of writing but could not find enough time. even now i am
> writing this mail, it seems my instincts tells me to rush and go somewhere
> because i am really extremly happy.
> when are you moving to this side of the world? when will i see you again?
> how is life that side of the world?
> until we meet agiain, wishing you all the best.
> happier
> big bro,
> simon!
working at an orphanage in africa.
making something out of clay at an orphanage in burma.
in burma.
This man makes me so happy! He's truly one of the wisest men I know. I've always told him that.
He used to tell me that I'd end up in Africa one day, but I just laughed because anything that wasn't Asia was out of the picture.
Well, he was right! I cannot wait to see him again.
Sunday, 20 November 2005
God's sunday comic strip
i love God. he's been doing some really funny stuff lately. my super hilarious and longtime friend abby goff told the world about how God put her Bible in her purse.
and today my mom told me her "funny story" as she called it.
first of all, let me say that God meets us where we are and with the resources we have. i've learned this time and again through missions and through my life in suburbia america. god speaks through our stuff if we are looking for his voice.
a few (less than i wish i could say) years ago, my mom bought me an elmo doll, the one that giggles and talks about being tickled. if you recall what he says at the end of his little rant, you'll find this funny.
so my mom is feeling bad today. she hasfibromyalgia, and it sucks. she hurts all the time.
so today she was sitting in the den, ready for church but not feeling like she could get out of the chair. she was reading Isaiah, and just asked God to give her the ability to get up and go to church.
all of a sudden, from another room in the house, elmo/god speaks: "I FEEL GREAT!!!!!"
my mom was at church.
i love that story :)
and today my mom told me her "funny story" as she called it.
first of all, let me say that God meets us where we are and with the resources we have. i've learned this time and again through missions and through my life in suburbia america. god speaks through our stuff if we are looking for his voice.
a few (less than i wish i could say) years ago, my mom bought me an elmo doll, the one that giggles and talks about being tickled. if you recall what he says at the end of his little rant, you'll find this funny.
so my mom is feeling bad today. she hasfibromyalgia, and it sucks. she hurts all the time.
so today she was sitting in the den, ready for church but not feeling like she could get out of the chair. she was reading Isaiah, and just asked God to give her the ability to get up and go to church.
all of a sudden, from another room in the house, elmo/god speaks: "I FEEL GREAT!!!!!"
my mom was at church.
i love that story :)
Saturday, 19 November 2005
my friend julie
lives in india. (the one by the window)
she is really cool and she belives in me.
sometimes distance makes no difference. you just know some things in life.
and you act on them in instinct.
flames of mine
this song, this video--i know i have lauded it before, but i'm not really able to stop watching it and singing it in my head.
i know people in the majority of the countries mentioned.
i have seen faces of the hurting in the world.
and they stay in my head like a slideshow constantly playing against the screen of the backs of my eyelids.
the words to this song describe how i feel most of my days, all day long. i wake up thinking about this kind of stuff.
i don't know what that leads you to believe about me and i don't care. i cannot worry about this.
i just need you to know that, inside of me, this song is the truth i wish i could explain to all of you.
it's why i cannot stay in america for now.
the bridge especially--"hearts break, hearts mend. love still hurts. visions clash, planes crash. still there's talk of saving souls. still the cold is closing in on us."--that's how i would have said it. these words are why i am moving to africa.
WORLD ON FIRE (Sarah McLachlan)--WATCH THE VIDEO by clicking on the title
Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in this story's pages
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in
[Chorus]
The world's on fire and
It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water
(I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more
More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table)
Bring what I am able
I watch the heavens and I find a calling
Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone
[Chorus]
Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there's talk of
Saving souls, still the cold
Is closing in on us
We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some
i know people in the majority of the countries mentioned.
i have seen faces of the hurting in the world.
and they stay in my head like a slideshow constantly playing against the screen of the backs of my eyelids.
the words to this song describe how i feel most of my days, all day long. i wake up thinking about this kind of stuff.
i don't know what that leads you to believe about me and i don't care. i cannot worry about this.
i just need you to know that, inside of me, this song is the truth i wish i could explain to all of you.
it's why i cannot stay in america for now.
the bridge especially--"hearts break, hearts mend. love still hurts. visions clash, planes crash. still there's talk of saving souls. still the cold is closing in on us."--that's how i would have said it. these words are why i am moving to africa.
WORLD ON FIRE (Sarah McLachlan)--WATCH THE VIDEO by clicking on the title
Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in this story's pages
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in
[Chorus]
The world's on fire and
It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water
(I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more
More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table)
Bring what I am able
I watch the heavens and I find a calling
Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone
[Chorus]
Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there's talk of
Saving souls, still the cold
Is closing in on us
We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some
Thursday, 17 November 2005
my favorite jake.
this is jake. he's my monday buddy. this past week we made sun hats and ocean necklaces. We also found out the best way to not tell Jake that his fish died. We read a book called The Three Trees. this book should be given to us at birth.
Jake quote of the week:"I forgot you had the 2nd coolest key chain in the world. All you have to do is grab your keys and write on your pumpkin." (said after seeing my Sharpie on my keychain. i love how kids associate items with the most random things. to jake, a sharpie symoblizes halloween pumpkin carving.)
This next photo is us sitting on the kitchen floor. I like to take pictures of reflections. Hint the title of my blog. Lots of cool stuff happens when I'm reflecting in or around water. The bath tub used to be my best place to think. I say that like's it's not anymore!
This is the happiest sight for my eyes. Do you see why I love jake's family? (ps--the jar says "Missions" on it)
And here's me and my dad at the airport. Welcome home, dad. We have many more adventures to come...
Jake quote of the week:"I forgot you had the 2nd coolest key chain in the world. All you have to do is grab your keys and write on your pumpkin." (said after seeing my Sharpie on my keychain. i love how kids associate items with the most random things. to jake, a sharpie symoblizes halloween pumpkin carving.)
This next photo is us sitting on the kitchen floor. I like to take pictures of reflections. Hint the title of my blog. Lots of cool stuff happens when I'm reflecting in or around water. The bath tub used to be my best place to think. I say that like's it's not anymore!
This is the happiest sight for my eyes. Do you see why I love jake's family? (ps--the jar says "Missions" on it)
And here's me and my dad at the airport. Welcome home, dad. We have many more adventures to come...
Wednesday, 16 November 2005
My heart is breaking.
My dad came home this morning. He's tan and smiling from ear to ear. He had a beaded bracelet on his arm. I told him he looked like a hippy.
He also had letters from my boys. Here's a picture of two of them. They are so small, in size and in the world. They are like two drops in the ocean, like each one of us. And yet, I think I know how Christ felt when he willingly died for us. I think I know how obedience unto death was his only option. It was either that, the result of which was a forever time with those he loves (long term results outweighed the short term pain) OR be with them now in sinful, selfish, lonely world time, and never see them again, for eternal life wouldn't be an option.
So, I see how Christ did it. Cause when I look at this picture, I feel that I'd probably go to the same extreme if I knew it'd get them to God.
I'd give anything I have for that.
Seth. Arley. Kara Orendorf. Nicole. Abby. Lemkin's Flea Market
"The artist is a servant who is willing to be a birthgiver. In a very real sense the artist (male or female) should be like Mary who, when the angel told her that she was to bear the Messiah, was obedient to the command...I believe that each work of art, whether it is a work of great genius, or something very small, comes to the artist and says, "Here I am. Enflesh me. Give birth to me." And the artist either says, "My soul doth magnify the Lord," and willingly becomes the bearer of the work, or refuses; but the obedient response is not necessarily a conscious one, and not everyone has teh humble courageous obedience of Mary."
--Madeline L'Engle, Walking on Water.
Personal Invitation to the first annual Lemkin's Flea Market
a place for local artists to obediently serve the world around them.
Dec. 3rd, all day long
My house.
Please comes and see what you can find.
Tuesday, 15 November 2005
Looking for the Burmese Junta? Sorry, It's Gone Into Hiding
let's play a game: in the comments section, copy your favorite sentence or point in this article. for those of you who've been to burma, this will be challenging. i could just paste the entire article, starting with this brilliant title. i'm really eager to hear from you guys on this. thanks to nicole for finding it for me.
By SETH MYDANS
Published: November 14, 2005
BANGKOK, Nov. 13 - At precisely 6:37 a.m. last Sunday, according to one account - with a shout of "Let's go!" - a convoy of trucks began a huge, expensive and baffling transfer of the government of Myanmar from the capital to a secret mountain compound 200 miles to the north.
Diplomats and foreign analysts were left groping a week later for an explanation of the unannounced move. In a country as secretive and eccentric as Myanmar, it is a full-time job to try to tease the truth from the swirl of rumors and guesswork, relying on few facts and many theories. The leading theories now have to do with astrological predictions and fears of invasion by the United States. The relocation, which the government announced to reporters and foreign diplomats a day after it began, but not yet to the public through the state-controlled media, had been rumored for years.
A Burmese truck convoy hauling office furniture last week to the mysterious mountain hideaway.
But according to reports from the capital, Yangon, officials and civil servants were given only a day or two to pack and say goodbye to their families.
When they arrived at the new site, called Pyinmanaa, it was still under construction, and there were shortages of water, telephone lines and even sleeping quarters and food, according to family members quoted by news agencies and exile groups that monitor Myanmar.
Foreign diplomats said they were told that if they had urgent business with the relocated government, they could send a fax but that no number was yet available.
According to diplomats and other unofficial sources inside Myanmar, the vast, fortified compound is to contain military headquarters, government ministries, huge meeting halls, residences, hotels, a hospital, an airport, underground bunkers and, not surprisingly in this golf-mad region, a golf course.
The minister of information, U Kyaw Hsan, told reporters in Yangon, formerly Rangoon, that the transfer of the government had begun with 9 of the 32 ministries. He gave no date for completing the move.
The military junta that runs the former Burma offered little explanation for its mystery move. "Due to changed circumstances, where Myanmar is trying to develop a modern nation, a more centrally located government seat has become a necessity," it said in a statement.
That left plenty of room for theories, and it was difficult to find one that seemed rational. Astrology seemed to make as much sense as anything.
Myanmar is a deeply superstitious nation that scheduled its ceremony marking independence from the British to follow astrological dictates, at exactly 4:20 a.m. on Jan. 4, 1948.
The 6:37 a.m. departure was reported by U Aung Zaw, the editor of Irrawaddy Magazine, an émigré publication based in neighboring Thailand with a network of contacts inside Myanmar. He said this strangely precise departure time might well have been dictated by astrologers.
Astrological timing may also have been behind the abruptness of the move to a site that was not yet complete.
One theory is that the move was prompted by astrologers who several years ago warned the ruling generals that the dilapidated capital on the Bay of Bengal would become a dangerous place for them.
Seen from their perspective, the notion of an American invasion might not seem far-fetched. They are a ruling clique of soldiers whose background is jungle warfare and who know little of the outside world.
For years they have been squeezed by economic sanctions and battered by relentless criticism from the West over their abuses of human rights, and they have responded by pulling further into their shells.
In January, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice included Myanmar in a list of "outposts of tyranny," along with North Korea, Cuba, Iran, Zimbabwe and Belarus.
Officials in Myanmar sometimes offer visitors a list of their own: Panama, Grenada, Somalia, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Iraq - places where the United States has sent armed forces.
Not long ago, according to one story making the rounds in Myanmar, a military officer was asked the purpose of obligatory civil defense training for civilian men. "You are the holding action against the Americans until the Chinese come to our aid," the officer said, according to David I. Steinberg, a professor at Georgetown University who is a leading expert on Myanmar.
Mr. Steinberg said rumors of an American "rescue" circulate among opponents of the government - a current of wishful thinking that is as extravagant as the fears of the ruling generals.
"The joke going around is, 'After diamonds, gold,' " he said. In the Burmese language, "sein" - as in Saddam Hussein - means diamonds. "Shwe" - as in Gen. Than Shwe, the leader of the military junta - means gold.
There was no way to know whether there was a connection earlier this month when authorities in the capital reopened a road that passes by the entrance to the United States Embassy.
Barbed wire and concrete security barriers were removed for the first time since they were put in place after the attacks in New York and at the Pentagon on Sept. 11, 2001.
"Obviously, we are reviewing our security arrangements," an unidentified United States Embassy official told Reuters. "We felt a lot safer with them in place."
For now, there appear to be no schools and little housing for families at Pyinmanaa. The move is likely to separate civil servants from their families, as well as from the second jobs that many found necessary to make ends meet in the country's minimal economy.
The junta's physical move into a fortified retreat reflects what many experts on Myanmar say is a bunker mentality in the face of what it may see as a bewildering and antagonistic world.
"I keep hearing the same thing all the time," Mr. Steinberg said of the junta. "Look, we don't need you guys. We can go it alone. We've done it before, and so what's new."
(I can think of a millions and a half things I love about this article. The author has an obvious and rare understanding of the humor behind Burma's reasons for this long-awaited sojourn. An insincere apology to all who have sought to keep this country in hiding from the public eye. what do you expect when you make such a big ole' scene? really, mr. corruption and officer injustice, can you blame us for our verbosity on and hightened anticipation of the results. paranoia will destroy ya. only time will tell.)
By SETH MYDANS
Published: November 14, 2005
BANGKOK, Nov. 13 - At precisely 6:37 a.m. last Sunday, according to one account - with a shout of "Let's go!" - a convoy of trucks began a huge, expensive and baffling transfer of the government of Myanmar from the capital to a secret mountain compound 200 miles to the north.
Diplomats and foreign analysts were left groping a week later for an explanation of the unannounced move. In a country as secretive and eccentric as Myanmar, it is a full-time job to try to tease the truth from the swirl of rumors and guesswork, relying on few facts and many theories. The leading theories now have to do with astrological predictions and fears of invasion by the United States. The relocation, which the government announced to reporters and foreign diplomats a day after it began, but not yet to the public through the state-controlled media, had been rumored for years.
A Burmese truck convoy hauling office furniture last week to the mysterious mountain hideaway.
But according to reports from the capital, Yangon, officials and civil servants were given only a day or two to pack and say goodbye to their families.
When they arrived at the new site, called Pyinmanaa, it was still under construction, and there were shortages of water, telephone lines and even sleeping quarters and food, according to family members quoted by news agencies and exile groups that monitor Myanmar.
Foreign diplomats said they were told that if they had urgent business with the relocated government, they could send a fax but that no number was yet available.
According to diplomats and other unofficial sources inside Myanmar, the vast, fortified compound is to contain military headquarters, government ministries, huge meeting halls, residences, hotels, a hospital, an airport, underground bunkers and, not surprisingly in this golf-mad region, a golf course.
The minister of information, U Kyaw Hsan, told reporters in Yangon, formerly Rangoon, that the transfer of the government had begun with 9 of the 32 ministries. He gave no date for completing the move.
The military junta that runs the former Burma offered little explanation for its mystery move. "Due to changed circumstances, where Myanmar is trying to develop a modern nation, a more centrally located government seat has become a necessity," it said in a statement.
That left plenty of room for theories, and it was difficult to find one that seemed rational. Astrology seemed to make as much sense as anything.
Myanmar is a deeply superstitious nation that scheduled its ceremony marking independence from the British to follow astrological dictates, at exactly 4:20 a.m. on Jan. 4, 1948.
The 6:37 a.m. departure was reported by U Aung Zaw, the editor of Irrawaddy Magazine, an émigré publication based in neighboring Thailand with a network of contacts inside Myanmar. He said this strangely precise departure time might well have been dictated by astrologers.
Astrological timing may also have been behind the abruptness of the move to a site that was not yet complete.
One theory is that the move was prompted by astrologers who several years ago warned the ruling generals that the dilapidated capital on the Bay of Bengal would become a dangerous place for them.
Seen from their perspective, the notion of an American invasion might not seem far-fetched. They are a ruling clique of soldiers whose background is jungle warfare and who know little of the outside world.
For years they have been squeezed by economic sanctions and battered by relentless criticism from the West over their abuses of human rights, and they have responded by pulling further into their shells.
In January, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice included Myanmar in a list of "outposts of tyranny," along with North Korea, Cuba, Iran, Zimbabwe and Belarus.
Officials in Myanmar sometimes offer visitors a list of their own: Panama, Grenada, Somalia, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Iraq - places where the United States has sent armed forces.
Not long ago, according to one story making the rounds in Myanmar, a military officer was asked the purpose of obligatory civil defense training for civilian men. "You are the holding action against the Americans until the Chinese come to our aid," the officer said, according to David I. Steinberg, a professor at Georgetown University who is a leading expert on Myanmar.
Mr. Steinberg said rumors of an American "rescue" circulate among opponents of the government - a current of wishful thinking that is as extravagant as the fears of the ruling generals.
"The joke going around is, 'After diamonds, gold,' " he said. In the Burmese language, "sein" - as in Saddam Hussein - means diamonds. "Shwe" - as in Gen. Than Shwe, the leader of the military junta - means gold.
There was no way to know whether there was a connection earlier this month when authorities in the capital reopened a road that passes by the entrance to the United States Embassy.
Barbed wire and concrete security barriers were removed for the first time since they were put in place after the attacks in New York and at the Pentagon on Sept. 11, 2001.
"Obviously, we are reviewing our security arrangements," an unidentified United States Embassy official told Reuters. "We felt a lot safer with them in place."
For now, there appear to be no schools and little housing for families at Pyinmanaa. The move is likely to separate civil servants from their families, as well as from the second jobs that many found necessary to make ends meet in the country's minimal economy.
The junta's physical move into a fortified retreat reflects what many experts on Myanmar say is a bunker mentality in the face of what it may see as a bewildering and antagonistic world.
"I keep hearing the same thing all the time," Mr. Steinberg said of the junta. "Look, we don't need you guys. We can go it alone. We've done it before, and so what's new."
(I can think of a millions and a half things I love about this article. The author has an obvious and rare understanding of the humor behind Burma's reasons for this long-awaited sojourn. An insincere apology to all who have sought to keep this country in hiding from the public eye. what do you expect when you make such a big ole' scene? really, mr. corruption and officer injustice, can you blame us for our verbosity on and hightened anticipation of the results. paranoia will destroy ya. only time will tell.)
Monday, 14 November 2005
hut church.
"As regards the setting, the music, the degree of understanding on the part of the majority, the command of language of those who spoke or prayed, or any helps toward atmosphere, sensitivity, or taste in worship, the San Miguel church left everything to be desired. But Almighty God does come and in fact dwell with men. And He, whne He was God manifest in the flesh, left a simple command, "This do in rememberance of me." Obedience to that command is possible nearly anywhere, anytime, by any who are willing. It does not require much in the way of visible trappings, of emotional enthusiasm, or of intellectual vigor."
--Elisabeth Elliot, missionary to the Colorado Indians in Santo Domingo de los Colorados, Ecuador.
Saturday, 12 November 2005
It's all in Love.
Ok, so I am back from Louisiana. I had a really good time down there. My team was totally great, so many willing and hard working and totally hilarious people. I don't really know how to articulate what I saw, or to make any big profound God revelations from it. It always feels like a dream.
One thing I realized last night while at dinner with Arley is that it is getting harder and harder to return to this place after I have been on a mission trip. I know it's a common feeling, but my emotions when I get home are all out of wack. I go through this depression phase where I just want to be angry. I go through this "simplistic" phase where I gather all my excess belongings and haul them off to Good will or I have a yard sale. I have this lonely phase where I just want someone to do this work with, and I think alot about love and loss. It's really a good thing for me to go throught these cycles, although to the reader they might sound slightly masochistic, which it is, but it's for a good cause. It's for a God cause. The older I get, the less I despise suffering. It's actually a major part of life, we just forget that in the temporal pleasures of this world. I guess my point is I don't get pleasure much at all from this world anymore. Not much at all. And to me, that's Biblical and that's the Holy Spirit in my life.
Over the past few years, God has said some really specific things to me. Like, "Develop your prayer life." or "Simplify your living." or "Get in shape." or "Don't date anyone." or more recently, "Write down my revelations. Wait for my timing. Something has been lingering for a long time, but now that you are not going to Asia, it's going to come without delay. Look at the nations and observe. Be amazed." So now, now that I've either not done what he said or done what he said not to do, I"m being forced into these things and that's caused some suffering. But the supreme joy that comes from being so unfailingly loved by my maker, by being pursued by him, by being believed in and held to a higher standard by him---it's worth every drop of pain that lands in my self-created bottle of suffering. It didn't have to be this hard, I just always opt for the field trip over the text book.
I get really pissed off these days by nominal christians. People who talk about God, or who pretend to be all close and loyal to him, people who put on that front when it serves their purposes. I get so frustrated and jealous on God's behalf by this excessiveness, this hoarding of things for one's personal gain, this fear of failure and fear of being in want. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "You have no bleepin' idea what joy you are trading in for happiness, what peace you are trading in for comfort, what life you are trading in for maintenance, what freedom you are trading in for invisible shackels, what beauty you are trading in for lust, what shock and awe you are trading in for control." Do you understand the power of our God? Do you see that he can stop storms but hasn't lately? Do you recognize that he could intercede on your behalf alot more if you'd let him? Everything you own could be gone in a second. A gust of wind after hurricane Katrina knocked down trees and road signs 200 miles from the coast. Entire houses were emptied out into the neighbors yards. Newspapers from 10miles away were flying around the in the trees. HUGE pine trees bigger than our materialistic Christmas celebrations severed houses, families, lives. Death came without delay. And all that stuff means nothing now.
Just think what difference we could make. If we didn't buy that expensive car or that debt-laden house or that shopping spree for clothes we don't need. Did you know that countries in Africa are so deep in debt to America that they are financially enslaved to us until Christ returns? And that there are 40 million kids in the world waiting for adoption? And that 1 in 4 people in South Africa is infected with HIV? And that girls in Asia sell their bodies 10 times a night just to have money to survive? And that small children in India are getting 75 cents a week for rolling an unattainble quota of ciggarettes for our addictions to continue? And that we live and breathe and move freely in a society that on other country in the world experiences?
I'm angry about all this. It's not reality. The way we live is not reality. IF you are still even reading this, you probably think i"m condemning you and excluding myself from the path of these pointed fingers. I'm not. I have always loved stuff...but God's breaking me of that. I've always loved being loved...but God's showing me the failure of human love regardless of how ordained it is for our lives. I have always been insecure about my future...but God's enlarging my territory and dwindling my resources---all just to prove that it's not about me. It's not about how I look or appear to live or think I am. It's about him. It's ALL about him. DO you know what that means? My gosh, it should silence you.
I'll talk about Louisiana in a few days. I'm waiting for my pictures and i want to scan them and upload them so you can see me with a chainsaw! Until then, enjoy my cries for justice and my pleas for awakening! It's all in love.
One thing I realized last night while at dinner with Arley is that it is getting harder and harder to return to this place after I have been on a mission trip. I know it's a common feeling, but my emotions when I get home are all out of wack. I go through this depression phase where I just want to be angry. I go through this "simplistic" phase where I gather all my excess belongings and haul them off to Good will or I have a yard sale. I have this lonely phase where I just want someone to do this work with, and I think alot about love and loss. It's really a good thing for me to go throught these cycles, although to the reader they might sound slightly masochistic, which it is, but it's for a good cause. It's for a God cause. The older I get, the less I despise suffering. It's actually a major part of life, we just forget that in the temporal pleasures of this world. I guess my point is I don't get pleasure much at all from this world anymore. Not much at all. And to me, that's Biblical and that's the Holy Spirit in my life.
Over the past few years, God has said some really specific things to me. Like, "Develop your prayer life." or "Simplify your living." or "Get in shape." or "Don't date anyone." or more recently, "Write down my revelations. Wait for my timing. Something has been lingering for a long time, but now that you are not going to Asia, it's going to come without delay. Look at the nations and observe. Be amazed." So now, now that I've either not done what he said or done what he said not to do, I"m being forced into these things and that's caused some suffering. But the supreme joy that comes from being so unfailingly loved by my maker, by being pursued by him, by being believed in and held to a higher standard by him---it's worth every drop of pain that lands in my self-created bottle of suffering. It didn't have to be this hard, I just always opt for the field trip over the text book.
I get really pissed off these days by nominal christians. People who talk about God, or who pretend to be all close and loyal to him, people who put on that front when it serves their purposes. I get so frustrated and jealous on God's behalf by this excessiveness, this hoarding of things for one's personal gain, this fear of failure and fear of being in want. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "You have no bleepin' idea what joy you are trading in for happiness, what peace you are trading in for comfort, what life you are trading in for maintenance, what freedom you are trading in for invisible shackels, what beauty you are trading in for lust, what shock and awe you are trading in for control." Do you understand the power of our God? Do you see that he can stop storms but hasn't lately? Do you recognize that he could intercede on your behalf alot more if you'd let him? Everything you own could be gone in a second. A gust of wind after hurricane Katrina knocked down trees and road signs 200 miles from the coast. Entire houses were emptied out into the neighbors yards. Newspapers from 10miles away were flying around the in the trees. HUGE pine trees bigger than our materialistic Christmas celebrations severed houses, families, lives. Death came without delay. And all that stuff means nothing now.
Just think what difference we could make. If we didn't buy that expensive car or that debt-laden house or that shopping spree for clothes we don't need. Did you know that countries in Africa are so deep in debt to America that they are financially enslaved to us until Christ returns? And that there are 40 million kids in the world waiting for adoption? And that 1 in 4 people in South Africa is infected with HIV? And that girls in Asia sell their bodies 10 times a night just to have money to survive? And that small children in India are getting 75 cents a week for rolling an unattainble quota of ciggarettes for our addictions to continue? And that we live and breathe and move freely in a society that on other country in the world experiences?
I'm angry about all this. It's not reality. The way we live is not reality. IF you are still even reading this, you probably think i"m condemning you and excluding myself from the path of these pointed fingers. I'm not. I have always loved stuff...but God's breaking me of that. I've always loved being loved...but God's showing me the failure of human love regardless of how ordained it is for our lives. I have always been insecure about my future...but God's enlarging my territory and dwindling my resources---all just to prove that it's not about me. It's not about how I look or appear to live or think I am. It's about him. It's ALL about him. DO you know what that means? My gosh, it should silence you.
I'll talk about Louisiana in a few days. I'm waiting for my pictures and i want to scan them and upload them so you can see me with a chainsaw! Until then, enjoy my cries for justice and my pleas for awakening! It's all in love.
Sunday, 06 November 2005
Welcome to the Continuation...
There have been no phone calls from secluded and oppressed Asian countries informing us of my father's absence at the airport in Burma, so I take that to mean he's safe and sound. I can see the mob scene at the airport, skirted and unshowered short people huddling around the exit of the airport, waiting for their loved ones to return. Suddenly, out from the airport come a line of 11 white, tired, large Americans. All men except for 2. Broad shoulders, shaved heads, athletic attire, lots of bags, lots of wide eyes staring at one another, insecurity, discomfort, fear. It's all there in one long line, exiting the airport into the stuffy and hot Burma air. AAAHHH, if only this were my life!
(faces)
I can see the streets curving around beautiful lakes and palm trees. I can see the cars swerving in and out of semiformed lines (since no lines on the street exist), a human game of frogger going on between one old taxi cab and another. I can see the sign as you leave the airport, "Welcome to the Golden Land". The billboards in wierd squiggly writing and longhaired asian models advertising VeVe Orange Soda. I can see the lines of buddhist monks, barefoot with alms bowl in hand, shaved heads, walking like ducks down the road. I can see the roundabouts with all the cars circling each other as they pass one pagoda after another, Buddhist stickers and air freshners and decoration covering the inside of their cars. I can see the 11 white people, unsure what they've willingly chosen to do, yet so hungry for each sight to be a memory and each moment to be different and new.
(cheeks)
I can see my monks, sitting around their phone, watching the clock tick its way to 3:00, when they promised to call my dad's hotel. I can hear them arguing about whether or not calling five minutes early is wrong, and what they will say and how they will say it, and questioning if they will be understood yet so overflowing with anticipation at seeing my father that they can't really imagine waiting another second. I can see them considering a ride to the hotel itself, just to see if he's really there. It's only a mile down Kaba Aye Road, so close that they could walk.
This was my world for a year and the further away from it I get, the more I long for it to be returned to me. The romanticized parts are gone. I remember the difficulties. I remember lying cheek down to the kitchen tile floor, craving the slight coolness it offered to my sweating body as my air conditioner and I suffered the loss of electricty for the 5th time that day. I can see Melissa and I making peanut butter cookies in the total dark, our candles spreading wax all over the floor, while late night sounds of families winding down and young people having a good time ride the hot air up to our kitchen window on the 10th floor. I can remember reading by candlelight everynight, trying to know God more and trying to learn about life from books. Writing emails four times because my computer crashed again and again. Sitting and staring at photos of friends back home, wondering if they remembered me. Arguing with my supervisor because we are just really different, and then having hte Lord convict me and force me to right my wrong with those around me. These were not fun moments, but the person I am today longs for them again. They have gone from memories I've tried to forget to priceless pieces of the beautiful puzzle of my life, being put together by the First Artist, the Mosaic Maker. He's really good at what he does.
(sign)
(tractor)
Tomorrow morning at 6:30 am, I embark on a new kind of adventure: missions in America. Pearl River, Louisiana is about to be bombarded with 18 Tennesseans with chainsaws. Back up, Gulf Coast. We're coming down!!! I'll be hauling brush and making fun of Todd Jenkins for the next 5 days and I'm feeling mixed emotions about this trip. I think it's because my mom is now going to be here alone and I hate that. She's used to it, but it's just the idea of leaving her here that I regret the reality of. But I do believe I'm supposed to do this. And I'm excited to experience what I love most in life (missions) in my OWN country, something you all probably wish I did more of. It should be good.
Today I walked at Percy Warner Park with Nicole, where we talked about Indonesian rapists and Indian child slaves. I think we touched on less heavy topics, but one thing I love most about Nicole is that she listens to me talk about all these wierd things and then she thinks about them with me. It's not too much for her, and I like that. She's on her way here to watch Hotel Rwanda with me. What's a Saturday without a little 20th century african genocide after dinner?
I'll talk to you all in a week or so. Pray for my dad in burma, my mom in nashville, and me in pearl river. and enjoy the beautiful trees on fire with god's changing creation.
And thanks to Dave Hunt whose song "the continuation" has spoken hope to me this week:
"Welcome to the continuation of what God is doing in our lives. Let us lift our voices, sing with all our might. Because he is with us. He is here and he deserves the praises of our hearts. A living sacrifice, the best we have to offer. So come with freedom, come with confidence. We are sons and daugthers of the King, sing...
You are worthy of all honor, glory, praise and power, we sing with the angels."
(faces)
I can see the streets curving around beautiful lakes and palm trees. I can see the cars swerving in and out of semiformed lines (since no lines on the street exist), a human game of frogger going on between one old taxi cab and another. I can see the sign as you leave the airport, "Welcome to the Golden Land". The billboards in wierd squiggly writing and longhaired asian models advertising VeVe Orange Soda. I can see the lines of buddhist monks, barefoot with alms bowl in hand, shaved heads, walking like ducks down the road. I can see the roundabouts with all the cars circling each other as they pass one pagoda after another, Buddhist stickers and air freshners and decoration covering the inside of their cars. I can see the 11 white people, unsure what they've willingly chosen to do, yet so hungry for each sight to be a memory and each moment to be different and new.
(cheeks)
I can see my monks, sitting around their phone, watching the clock tick its way to 3:00, when they promised to call my dad's hotel. I can hear them arguing about whether or not calling five minutes early is wrong, and what they will say and how they will say it, and questioning if they will be understood yet so overflowing with anticipation at seeing my father that they can't really imagine waiting another second. I can see them considering a ride to the hotel itself, just to see if he's really there. It's only a mile down Kaba Aye Road, so close that they could walk.
This was my world for a year and the further away from it I get, the more I long for it to be returned to me. The romanticized parts are gone. I remember the difficulties. I remember lying cheek down to the kitchen tile floor, craving the slight coolness it offered to my sweating body as my air conditioner and I suffered the loss of electricty for the 5th time that day. I can see Melissa and I making peanut butter cookies in the total dark, our candles spreading wax all over the floor, while late night sounds of families winding down and young people having a good time ride the hot air up to our kitchen window on the 10th floor. I can remember reading by candlelight everynight, trying to know God more and trying to learn about life from books. Writing emails four times because my computer crashed again and again. Sitting and staring at photos of friends back home, wondering if they remembered me. Arguing with my supervisor because we are just really different, and then having hte Lord convict me and force me to right my wrong with those around me. These were not fun moments, but the person I am today longs for them again. They have gone from memories I've tried to forget to priceless pieces of the beautiful puzzle of my life, being put together by the First Artist, the Mosaic Maker. He's really good at what he does.
(sign)
(tractor)
Tomorrow morning at 6:30 am, I embark on a new kind of adventure: missions in America. Pearl River, Louisiana is about to be bombarded with 18 Tennesseans with chainsaws. Back up, Gulf Coast. We're coming down!!! I'll be hauling brush and making fun of Todd Jenkins for the next 5 days and I'm feeling mixed emotions about this trip. I think it's because my mom is now going to be here alone and I hate that. She's used to it, but it's just the idea of leaving her here that I regret the reality of. But I do believe I'm supposed to do this. And I'm excited to experience what I love most in life (missions) in my OWN country, something you all probably wish I did more of. It should be good.
Today I walked at Percy Warner Park with Nicole, where we talked about Indonesian rapists and Indian child slaves. I think we touched on less heavy topics, but one thing I love most about Nicole is that she listens to me talk about all these wierd things and then she thinks about them with me. It's not too much for her, and I like that. She's on her way here to watch Hotel Rwanda with me. What's a Saturday without a little 20th century african genocide after dinner?
I'll talk to you all in a week or so. Pray for my dad in burma, my mom in nashville, and me in pearl river. and enjoy the beautiful trees on fire with god's changing creation.
And thanks to Dave Hunt whose song "the continuation" has spoken hope to me this week:
"Welcome to the continuation of what God is doing in our lives. Let us lift our voices, sing with all our might. Because he is with us. He is here and he deserves the praises of our hearts. A living sacrifice, the best we have to offer. So come with freedom, come with confidence. We are sons and daugthers of the King, sing...
You are worthy of all honor, glory, praise and power, we sing with the angels."
Saturday, 05 November 2005
quiet
i have felt really quiet lately. my head is still going and my thoughts are still sometimes serious and deep, but overall there is a quiet in my soul. i cannot explain it. it isn't necessarily a peace, or maybe it is. it's just that i still feel emotions and i still experience mourning over my losses as of late and i still feel depressed when i think about certain things, but my point is that i'm just not talking about it or really spending time investing in these emotions. they are just passing through like a storm.
i don't know i think anyone will care about this post. it's not exciting and it's got little encouragement to offer. but i just wanted to post something.
my dad left last night for burma. that was wierd. satan was all up in our drive to the airport and it pissed me off because it wasn't what i imagined. nothing is. that's my first lesson i need to learn for good.
but as he walked away to go through security with his team, he turned to me and gave me a huge hug, and i think he started prophesying over me. i know it sounds hokey to some of you, but it felt like God himself was speaking to my soul. i won't share what he said but it was really specific and really in line with what God's been saying to me over the past 3 months.
So i came home and reread some of my journals from my time in virginia, and i restudied the verses god used to keep my in america. and i saw that, based on where i am today and what i'm experiencing emotionally and mentally, God is really following through. He said some really specific things to me in Virginia about his timing, about things lingering but not delaying, about things "speaking of the end". And since I've been back I see him following through, giving more to the story.
--My garden friend Michelle nearly died in a wreck. I saw her a week and a half ago, alone. I had no one to share that experience with and it was hard. She was in so much pain and I wasn't even supposed to be there, it just happened that i literally wandered into her hallway and found her room. It made me so dizzy and nauseaus just being in her presence. It was like i was in a dream. I saw her again today, and she was up giving hugs, eating pureed food, reading cards, laughing, playing her guitar, and making jokes like normal. When she told me to tell my dad hello, I said that he was in Burma. She IMMEDIATELY said "and how are you with that? you're not ok." a moment of silence, and then she said, "but i'm glad you are here today." This girl's been on morhphine and other drugs for 3 weeks, and she immediately responded with empathy. I have people who haven't even thought to ask about that, and she did. What? I'm not trying to say that people should think of me all the time, but it was a huge learning lesson for me, that this is just Michelle's nature. It quieted me. Her whole experience has spoken of the end.
--Kyle Lake died this week, and Seth & Arley flew to Texas for the funeral. It's changed them, and I'm seeing how kyle's "speaking of the end" in life and death is quieting my friends.
--An old friend came to It's a Grind this mornings, someone from my past who I loved and tried to care for deeply. This person really hurt me in the end, but when they walked in my heart melted. This person was near the end of life and God saved them...and it's seemed to quiet them for a time.
I had lots of other examples but i've forgotten them all. I also had lots of great qutoes and songs and all, but now i'm just quiet. and i want to go to bed.
my dad lands in burma in 2 hours. that means he's somewhere above vietnam right now in a plane. how wierd is that?
i don't know i think anyone will care about this post. it's not exciting and it's got little encouragement to offer. but i just wanted to post something.
my dad left last night for burma. that was wierd. satan was all up in our drive to the airport and it pissed me off because it wasn't what i imagined. nothing is. that's my first lesson i need to learn for good.
but as he walked away to go through security with his team, he turned to me and gave me a huge hug, and i think he started prophesying over me. i know it sounds hokey to some of you, but it felt like God himself was speaking to my soul. i won't share what he said but it was really specific and really in line with what God's been saying to me over the past 3 months.
So i came home and reread some of my journals from my time in virginia, and i restudied the verses god used to keep my in america. and i saw that, based on where i am today and what i'm experiencing emotionally and mentally, God is really following through. He said some really specific things to me in Virginia about his timing, about things lingering but not delaying, about things "speaking of the end". And since I've been back I see him following through, giving more to the story.
--My garden friend Michelle nearly died in a wreck. I saw her a week and a half ago, alone. I had no one to share that experience with and it was hard. She was in so much pain and I wasn't even supposed to be there, it just happened that i literally wandered into her hallway and found her room. It made me so dizzy and nauseaus just being in her presence. It was like i was in a dream. I saw her again today, and she was up giving hugs, eating pureed food, reading cards, laughing, playing her guitar, and making jokes like normal. When she told me to tell my dad hello, I said that he was in Burma. She IMMEDIATELY said "and how are you with that? you're not ok." a moment of silence, and then she said, "but i'm glad you are here today." This girl's been on morhphine and other drugs for 3 weeks, and she immediately responded with empathy. I have people who haven't even thought to ask about that, and she did. What? I'm not trying to say that people should think of me all the time, but it was a huge learning lesson for me, that this is just Michelle's nature. It quieted me. Her whole experience has spoken of the end.
--Kyle Lake died this week, and Seth & Arley flew to Texas for the funeral. It's changed them, and I'm seeing how kyle's "speaking of the end" in life and death is quieting my friends.
--An old friend came to It's a Grind this mornings, someone from my past who I loved and tried to care for deeply. This person really hurt me in the end, but when they walked in my heart melted. This person was near the end of life and God saved them...and it's seemed to quiet them for a time.
I had lots of other examples but i've forgotten them all. I also had lots of great qutoes and songs and all, but now i'm just quiet. and i want to go to bed.
my dad lands in burma in 2 hours. that means he's somewhere above vietnam right now in a plane. how wierd is that?
Thursday, 03 November 2005
"to be concerned"
Charm Tong, a Shan campaigner for human rights, scored something of a coup yesterday as she was invited to the White House for talks on Burma with US President George W Bush.
The 24-year-old met with Bush for 15 minutes in an attempt to press his administration to step up action against Burma’s military government, a spokesperson for her organization, Shan Women’s Action Network, told The Irrawaddy.
The human rights campaigner told Bush to “push Burma at the UN Security Council and raise the issue with neighboring countries and also Japan, as these are the countries that are dealing with the present regime, the SPDC,” the spokesperson said from Chiang Mai, Thailand, where SWAN’s headquarters is located.
Charm Tong also raised the plight of the Burmese people, about which Bush is said “to be concerned.”
Announcing the visit in a daily press briefing yesterday, spokesperson Scott McClellan told gathered media: “The president is pleased to welcome such a courageous and compassionate woman to the White House.”
McClellan described Charm Tong as a person who has “dedicated her life to helping those who suffer under the military rule in Rangoon, and to exposing the regime's abuses, particularly against women.”
She also met with other leading US administration officials including National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley, as well as Burma campaign groups, SWAN confirmed, in a trip that has been extended to last more than a week.
Yesterday’s meeting is the latest event in a year in which Charm Tong has gained increasing prominence, receiving a Reebok Democracy Award in March and later featuring as one of “Asia’s Heroes” in Time magazine for her work with SWAN, helping Shan refugees along the Thai-Burma border.
The organization is best known for producing the 2002 report “License to Rape,” in which Charm Tong and her team documented 625 cases of rape against ethnic Shan women, a high percentage of which it says were incidents of gang rape in what it described as a systematic campaign of sexual violence by the Burmese Army.
The report prompted Burma’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs to issue a rebuttal, claiming the ruling State Peace and Development Council investigated the alleged incidents without finding any wrongdoing. SWAN’s report was later corroborated by Refugees International in their document entitled “No Safe Place,” published in 2003.
my friend liz received this in an email from one of her monks. yay for burma!!!
The 24-year-old met with Bush for 15 minutes in an attempt to press his administration to step up action against Burma’s military government, a spokesperson for her organization, Shan Women’s Action Network, told The Irrawaddy.
The human rights campaigner told Bush to “push Burma at the UN Security Council and raise the issue with neighboring countries and also Japan, as these are the countries that are dealing with the present regime, the SPDC,” the spokesperson said from Chiang Mai, Thailand, where SWAN’s headquarters is located.
Charm Tong also raised the plight of the Burmese people, about which Bush is said “to be concerned.”
Announcing the visit in a daily press briefing yesterday, spokesperson Scott McClellan told gathered media: “The president is pleased to welcome such a courageous and compassionate woman to the White House.”
McClellan described Charm Tong as a person who has “dedicated her life to helping those who suffer under the military rule in Rangoon, and to exposing the regime's abuses, particularly against women.”
She also met with other leading US administration officials including National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley, as well as Burma campaign groups, SWAN confirmed, in a trip that has been extended to last more than a week.
Yesterday’s meeting is the latest event in a year in which Charm Tong has gained increasing prominence, receiving a Reebok Democracy Award in March and later featuring as one of “Asia’s Heroes” in Time magazine for her work with SWAN, helping Shan refugees along the Thai-Burma border.
The organization is best known for producing the 2002 report “License to Rape,” in which Charm Tong and her team documented 625 cases of rape against ethnic Shan women, a high percentage of which it says were incidents of gang rape in what it described as a systematic campaign of sexual violence by the Burmese Army.
The report prompted Burma’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs to issue a rebuttal, claiming the ruling State Peace and Development Council investigated the alleged incidents without finding any wrongdoing. SWAN’s report was later corroborated by Refugees International in their document entitled “No Safe Place,” published in 2003.
my friend liz received this in an email from one of her monks. yay for burma!!!
Tuesday, 01 November 2005
My favorite person
Amanda, I miss you.
This is Amanda. She is also known as 'my favorite person'. She is my favorite person for so many reasons. I want to list a few.
1. we met because of our coffee addictions. she was carrying a cup of coffee at the richmond airport and she had a grey hoodie on with her shell necklace around her neck. i noticed her jeans and thought she looked like she had a story to tell. FYI--I now own those jeans! I am wearing them right now.
2. her pace of life matches my own. we both love people but we both have to be alone at times. we both stay busy with friends but we both make time for those people who are most important. we both like to drive and listen to music: damien rice, nickel creek, shane and shane. to name a few.
3. she makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. we are both tall and i don't feel like a big ogre around her, like i sometimes feel around girls.
4. she LOVES quality reads, she'll watch documentaries and think about them for days, she thinks deeply and constantly about the world's pain, not her own.
5. she is so forgiving. she's been hurt by people who shouldn't have hurt her, but she forgives them and holds out hope on their behalf.
6. she sees right through me. i don't even have to talk. she knows what's in my head without even trying. no one in my entire life has read me as well as she does.
7. number 6 doesn't freak me out. i'm not afraid to say anything to her. i'm not afraid to be mad around her or at her. i'm not afraid to be disappointed with life or with god or with myself in her presence.
8. she's without a doubt the funniest person i know. her humor is perfect. she's a great actress and fabulous storyteller. she can impersonate anyone and anything. the noises she makes astound me...she's a master at mimicking.
9. she values the things about me that i've always wanted to be valued for. she accepts my hippyish lifestyle.
10. she so anal it's scary. she's got a years supply of pocket protectors in her backpack right now. she is organized and thorough. i'm not at all and so she's got me covered.
11. she knows my tendency to loose things of importance, so she'll secretly get 4 copies of forms or cds or whatever and keep them b/c she knows i'll need more. but she won't tell me about her backup stashes...she just waits for me to loose them first.
12. she writes letters regularly.
13. she always prints out pictures for you if you are in them. before you even have to ask.
14. she loves my friends and family, and they love her. people like gretchen who have only met her once STILL ask about her everytime i see them. she's memorable.
15. she is a mac user. that says alot.
16. she is simple. she doesn't wear makeup often. she likes to be comfortable.
17. she's active and conscious of what she eats but not excessively. we could easily down a bag of swedish fish in one sitting and not regret it one bit. she doesn't whine about her weight or appearance. with such trivial things, she is content. her mind is not often on earthly things.
18. she asks questions you want her to ask but don't want to say "hey amanda, ask me this..." she is empathetic.
19. she is spontaneous when tested. she'll be conservative but she really longs to be random. that's why we have fun, b/c i rarely think through something as long as it's not sinful. i like new experiences, and she's my favorite person to explore the world with.
20. we could sit down for 9 hours and not say a word and i wouldn't for one second feel akward, uncomfortable, or worried that she wanted me to say something.
21. she's the closest thing i've found to a soulmate, and i don't mean that in a wierdo sense. i just mean, i can be around her all the time and not be annoyed. like in may when she came to nashville for "3 days", which really meant a full week once i forced her to miss her greyhound in nashville, which we then followed to evansville indiana so she could get on it there (just so we could hang out a few more hours together), but then in indiana we literally sat across the street from the greyhound station and WATCHED her bus drive out to st. louis. the very bus we had chased to indiana. and we just turned around and she stayed anotehr 4 days in nashville. there is no greater friendship story than that in my life. it says it all. i long to be around her. i don't tire of it. i spent a month in virginia at a training center with her and i spent all social time with her and/or others. if i wasn't alone, i wanted to be with amanda. i've never ever ever felt that way about anyone else in my life.
22. she's always there, somewhere, and i don't worry about it. i know we'll be friends forever, and that's all that matters to me.
Amanda left for spain a week ago. I haven't talked to her since and it's killing me. I miss her so much. I feel like part of me has died, and I"m just starting to realize this is responsible for the strange mood i've been in. i've been at home ALOT, which is not like me. I just think about her and miss her and want to talk to her. Loosing accesability to her has been painful.
So amanda, if you are out there in spain reading this blog, please contact me. I just need to connect with my favorite person. I'm not worried, i just miss you.
I love you to the point of tears nearly every single day.