"Sometimes I admire people who don’t ask ‘why’ questions, who only want to know the ‘how’ of life: How do I get paid, how do I get a wife, how do I make myself happy, whatever. The ‘why’ path isn’t so rewarding, if you think about it: What are we here, why do we feel what we feel, desire what we desire, need what we need, hate what we hate? I saw this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon once that had Calvin’s teacher asking the class to turn in their homework. Calvin raised his hand and asked why we exist. The teacher told Calvin not to change the subject but to turn in his homework, and what difference does it make anyway? Calvin leaned back in his chair and mumbled to himself that the answer to the question determined whether or not turning in his homework was important in the first place. And that is what I am talking about here, about needing the answer to the former question before the latter becomes important, about ‘why’ questions determining whether ‘how’ questions are important. And that is what I mean by admiring people who can just get a job, a big house, a trophy wife, and do whatever they want and never ask if it is connected to anything, whether their ‘how’ is validated by their ‘why’."
donald miller, Through Painted Deserts, 19-20
I have people in my life who get annoyed when I ask questions. Or who make fun of me for such attempts at understanding or relating to individuals. In my history of conversations with people, I recall times when I became so hesitant to ask questinos, to be the curious person I've been since childhood.
It hurts my heart right now and brings tears to my eyes. Being unloved or rejected for simply being who I am has been a confusing experience.
If you are out there in the world, asking God or your mom or your boss or your love or yourself "why"...don't stop there. Sit in the silent answers that will become songs of peace and victory and joy and triumph--and, oh God, maybe even acceptance--when God gives you ears to hear His answers. Don't ask anyone else to validate you (i'm preaching to myself here).
A solemn oath: "On this day, August 30, 2005, I Ashley Elizabeth Lovell solemnly give my word of promise to be myself, to ask "why" whenever and to whoever I feel the word coming out of my mouth towards, and to let you walk away from me if that annoys you."
Tuesday, 30 August 2005
My Love Attempts
Victory in Jesus, over raptors, mean people, and the lies we believe!!
Toot-Sweet and Arls McFarls, the creator of imagination-on-canvas.
Munchkin Kara has the wisdom of the ages at her fingertips, and the power that comes with influence.
Shiny Nickel's radiance hasn't faded since 6th grade, and Dr Dre gives 100% to what she loves.
My precious Tender Shoot let his soul and sense of humor out of hiding, choosing to believe he was fearfully and wonderfully made.
Staceyloo reminds me of the earth: strong, poised, beautiful just as she was created, and with her arms stretched out like great redwood branches, ready to hug the world.
"Though God has never been seen by any man, God himself dwells in us if we love one another; his love is brought to perfection within us." --1 John 4:12
How is God's love brought to perfection in me?
God loved us and showed it in sending Christ, so that through Christ we might be saved in this holy way and be cleansed from the defilement of our sins. This way God can be not only with Christ, but with all who believe in Christ's story, forever.
So Christ is the manifestation--a physical personification--of God's love. And this is why we "invite Christ into our hearts", so that the Christ who is fully God and fully God's love (God is love--1 John 4:9) will literally be within us. Such is the case for all who believe.
And how will Christ be known in the world? If His children love one another. If that love/God within one child of God connects with teh same in another child of God. Psalm 42 says "deep calls to deep". Love calls to love and is made perfect when it connects.
So here is my answer to how God's love is made perfect in me. It's based on the condition that I allow it to commune, that I not take over with selfish ambitions and vain conceits. That in humility I consider others better than myself (Philippians 2:3). That I remember God is dwelling within me and is calling out to himself: to prase, glorify and honor Himself, through that connection of love.
**Above are photos of some moments when love called to love and didn't run away in fear or doubt. When love allowed love to be enough.
Thank you for letting the love/God inside me love you.**
Toot-Sweet and Arls McFarls, the creator of imagination-on-canvas.
Munchkin Kara has the wisdom of the ages at her fingertips, and the power that comes with influence.
Shiny Nickel's radiance hasn't faded since 6th grade, and Dr Dre gives 100% to what she loves.
My precious Tender Shoot let his soul and sense of humor out of hiding, choosing to believe he was fearfully and wonderfully made.
Staceyloo reminds me of the earth: strong, poised, beautiful just as she was created, and with her arms stretched out like great redwood branches, ready to hug the world.
"Though God has never been seen by any man, God himself dwells in us if we love one another; his love is brought to perfection within us." --1 John 4:12
How is God's love brought to perfection in me?
God loved us and showed it in sending Christ, so that through Christ we might be saved in this holy way and be cleansed from the defilement of our sins. This way God can be not only with Christ, but with all who believe in Christ's story, forever.
So Christ is the manifestation--a physical personification--of God's love. And this is why we "invite Christ into our hearts", so that the Christ who is fully God and fully God's love (God is love--1 John 4:9) will literally be within us. Such is the case for all who believe.
And how will Christ be known in the world? If His children love one another. If that love/God within one child of God connects with teh same in another child of God. Psalm 42 says "deep calls to deep". Love calls to love and is made perfect when it connects.
So here is my answer to how God's love is made perfect in me. It's based on the condition that I allow it to commune, that I not take over with selfish ambitions and vain conceits. That in humility I consider others better than myself (Philippians 2:3). That I remember God is dwelling within me and is calling out to himself: to prase, glorify and honor Himself, through that connection of love.
**Above are photos of some moments when love called to love and didn't run away in fear or doubt. When love allowed love to be enough.
Thank you for letting the love/God inside me love you.**
Monday, 29 August 2005
WHERE THE BEEEEEEP ARE YOU?
LIKE ERNIE MISSES BERT
i miss you friend
like the lamp misses the lightbulb
and the seahorse misses the sea
like the raptors miss the stalkers
and the honey misses the bee
Like the mountains miss the hikers
and the natives miss the land
like the food misses freshness
and the friends miss your hand.
I miss the days
when pink floyd was pink
and bikers made us think
when coffee became chai
and we ate with tim some thai
I love the way
you always have the perfect words
to say when i am sad
you always have the perfect smile
to help when things are bad
you understand the way to talk
that no one else seems to
except for mandarin, who knows the way
so perfect through and through
I relate to
the way that distance has so shamefully
stretched apart
and to the way that time has sucked but
grown within my heart
i miss you friend
like the rock misses the Truth
and like kevin misses good feet
like climbers miss hiking boots
and like my armpits miss the heat
Like the desert misses the bushels
and the pink pen misses your shirt
like the 'saurs miss the vastness
and like ernie misses bert.
Sunday, 28 August 2005
Speak to me, O God
Is there ever a time when this will make sense?
When sitting on cliff edges and in tree tops and upon mountain peaks and in valleys low, all alone,
will be my joy's destination again?
Speak to me, O God, who are the creator of all color and light and beauty and joy and peace and solace and rest.
Speak to me, O God, who are strong and steadfast and complete.
Speak to me, O God. You are.
I feel the "i am not" of your "I AM".
When sitting on cliff edges and in tree tops and upon mountain peaks and in valleys low, all alone,
will be my joy's destination again?
Speak to me, O God, who are the creator of all color and light and beauty and joy and peace and solace and rest.
Speak to me, O God, who are strong and steadfast and complete.
Speak to me, O God. You are.
I feel the "i am not" of your "I AM".
Saturday, 27 August 2005
Today in History: 1910
Today would be her 95th birthday!
"There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those." --MT
Happy Birthday, Beautiful Lady!
Damien Rice just blew my mind!
Please, PLEASE, if you do nothing else for me in life, do this. Go to damien rice's website (www.damienrice.com). You might have noticed that I mentioned him a few blogs ago...and basically, I've been listening to his cd ALL the time! ALL THE TIME! In the morning (which i don't recommend, it put me in a strange place for the rest of the day), in my car on the way to the Daily Grind, late at night while I journal (also a dangerous thing, it just does something strange to my heart...but i lOVE it).
Anyways, we (mandarine orange and i) just drove around all afternoon listneing to it over and over. Somewhere during that drive I decided that I needed to visit his website. I got to the Daily Grind and got online...
I'm not going to tell you what happened next. You can go find out for yourself. But it WILL blow your mind. prepare yourself. My world's collide like this ALL THE TIME!!! Seriously, for those of you who know me, you know how this kind of stuff always happens. As Amanda just put it "You have a strange aura about you."
Damien, you've melted my volcanoes. I'm forever in awe of you. Thank you for this. It makes joy rise up inside of me, to be walking through the world, knowing someone has a passion like my own. A special shout out to Timothy William Bedi for making miracles happen by introducing us on the long drives to Knoxville and Birmingham.
"Please use your liberty to help promote ours." --ASSK
Damien Rice said, “I prefer not to interfere too much with what is going on in the world, but when someone has been thrown into a hole and they ask you to throw down a rope, I am happy to look for a rope, especially for a woman of such grace.”
Come and see me
Sing me to sleep
Come and free me
Hold me if i need to weep
Maybe it's not the season
Maybe it's not the year
Maybe there's no good reason
Why i'm locked up inside
Just cause they wanna hide me
The moon goes bright
The darker they make my night
Unplayed pianos
Are often by a window
In a room where nobody loved goes
She sits alone with her silent song
Somebody bring her home
Unplayed piano
Still holds a tune
Lock on the lid
In a stale, stale room
Maybe it's not that easy
Or maybe it's not that hard
Maybe they could release me
Let the people decide
I've got nothing to hide
I've done nothing wrong
So why have i been here so long?
Unplayed pianos
Are often by a window
In a room where nobody loved goes
She sits alone with her silent song
Somebody bring her home
Unplayed pianos
Are often by a window
In a room where nobody loved goes
She sits alone with her silent song
Somebody bring her home
Unplayed piano
Still holds a tune
Years pass by
In the changing of the moon
ps--go to www.captivatedby grace.blogspot.com when you are done for amanda's update today. she's blogging daily too and has some fun pictures to share!!!
Friday, 26 August 2005
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
I've been drawing pictures of tornadoes and raptors and Richard Simmons sweating to the oldies yelling "Holla!" as he bounces around the room. This is apparently what happens when you get Baptist chips implanted in your head while you are sleeping. Or maybe it was just the result of hearing speaker after speaker tell me I'm moving to Asia...or at least talk to me with such confidence in this future occurence.
But somewhere during the middle of all these meetings and sessions, the Holy Spirit "fell upon me", as Shane Bernard says. Luckily, Mandarine Oranges (aka: Amanda, Nelly's girlfriend from St. Louis) was there with camera in hand to capture the moment. Thank you, mandarine. Thank you. This moment symbolizes something I've experienced little of in the past few days...so it's going to be imperative that I have these visual reminders of God's leading in all things.
After the Missionary Men told us all kinds of stuff, we went outside to see if we got electrocuted if we walked on the grass, since we'd not seen anyone else doing this. Luckily, before we took our first gallavanting run across the beautiful Baptist meadow, we found this sign:
Thank you for the warning!
The rest of the afternoon was spent avoiding raptors (although we definately found some footprints in the gravel), taking pictures of space ships disguised as sidewalk lamps, and exploring wierd graves up on the soccer field. Not the best place for a burial, but what do i know?
During our late-night escape for lattes, we found a postcard at Barnes and Noble with 2 monkeys on it. Mandarine bought the card, cut out the monkeys, and pasted them on the world map in Western Europe and Southeast Asia--just to signify the future arrival of each of us, monkeys and all.
Well, another sun has set across the Virginia sky. We found a stellar coffee shop tonight called......the daily grind. This name is way more acceptable than my Nashville coffee shop, so I'll proudly buy a Daily Grind coffee mug before I leave.
"You know you've found it because you feel it when they take it away." --Damien Rice
But somewhere during the middle of all these meetings and sessions, the Holy Spirit "fell upon me", as Shane Bernard says. Luckily, Mandarine Oranges (aka: Amanda, Nelly's girlfriend from St. Louis) was there with camera in hand to capture the moment. Thank you, mandarine. Thank you. This moment symbolizes something I've experienced little of in the past few days...so it's going to be imperative that I have these visual reminders of God's leading in all things.
After the Missionary Men told us all kinds of stuff, we went outside to see if we got electrocuted if we walked on the grass, since we'd not seen anyone else doing this. Luckily, before we took our first gallavanting run across the beautiful Baptist meadow, we found this sign:
Thank you for the warning!
The rest of the afternoon was spent avoiding raptors (although we definately found some footprints in the gravel), taking pictures of space ships disguised as sidewalk lamps, and exploring wierd graves up on the soccer field. Not the best place for a burial, but what do i know?
During our late-night escape for lattes, we found a postcard at Barnes and Noble with 2 monkeys on it. Mandarine bought the card, cut out the monkeys, and pasted them on the world map in Western Europe and Southeast Asia--just to signify the future arrival of each of us, monkeys and all.
Well, another sun has set across the Virginia sky. We found a stellar coffee shop tonight called......the daily grind. This name is way more acceptable than my Nashville coffee shop, so I'll proudly buy a Daily Grind coffee mug before I leave.
"You know you've found it because you feel it when they take it away." --Damien Rice
Wednesday, 24 August 2005
Paper Napkin Headbands and Damien Rice
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hi people, I'm sitting at a computer in Rockville, Virginia where I just arrived after a 10 hour drive from Nashville, which began at 530 this morning. And after 3 short hours of sleep, it was like the most painful thing just trying to stay awake.
We stopped in Knoxville where we got gas at Weigel's (pronounced with a V, because it's German) and I made a headband for my hair out of a paper napkin from the Bean Pot restaurant at Fairfield Glade. And no, we didn't eat beans or try to win stuffed animals in the claw machine.
We pulled off at this fun little town in Virginia in search of a walmart. I bought Damien Rice's O cd b/c all my latest roadtrips have been serenaded by that beautiful music and i just didn't feel right to go without it today. Amanda and I screamed the lyrics along with him, allowing our hearts to bleed and cry.
Moments of sickness and confusion and sadness and quiet and delirium and fear and doubt and excitement and....
It was exhausting. Emotions to me are always intense, but today was supersized intense.
We got to the campus we are staying at. It's beauiful here right now and the weather is great. We've found all our old friends and everyone we saw is really glad to be here. So maybe that will help each of us as we travel through the next 7 weeks.
I know have a mosquito bite on my elbow(holla!) the size of a dime. Seriously. You'd think I was already in a foreign country. What kinda bug is that?
I'm in 4B and all my friends are in 22 and 23. I feel ostracized. Good thing Marley has a crib in her room (we still don't know why), so I can sleep over.
Up down Up down Up down.
Hi people, I'm sitting at a computer in Rockville, Virginia where I just arrived after a 10 hour drive from Nashville, which began at 530 this morning. And after 3 short hours of sleep, it was like the most painful thing just trying to stay awake.
We stopped in Knoxville where we got gas at Weigel's (pronounced with a V, because it's German) and I made a headband for my hair out of a paper napkin from the Bean Pot restaurant at Fairfield Glade. And no, we didn't eat beans or try to win stuffed animals in the claw machine.
We pulled off at this fun little town in Virginia in search of a walmart. I bought Damien Rice's O cd b/c all my latest roadtrips have been serenaded by that beautiful music and i just didn't feel right to go without it today. Amanda and I screamed the lyrics along with him, allowing our hearts to bleed and cry.
Moments of sickness and confusion and sadness and quiet and delirium and fear and doubt and excitement and....
It was exhausting. Emotions to me are always intense, but today was supersized intense.
We got to the campus we are staying at. It's beauiful here right now and the weather is great. We've found all our old friends and everyone we saw is really glad to be here. So maybe that will help each of us as we travel through the next 7 weeks.
I know have a mosquito bite on my elbow(holla!) the size of a dime. Seriously. You'd think I was already in a foreign country. What kinda bug is that?
I'm in 4B and all my friends are in 22 and 23. I feel ostracized. Good thing Marley has a crib in her room (we still don't know why), so I can sleep over.
Up down Up down Up down.
Monday, 22 August 2005
A Little Asian Birthday Love
This is my asian father. He deemed himself such once we started getting to know each other. I was sick quite often and he took care of me. He'd always feed me and get me medicine and call me late at night to tell me I should be asleep already. He LOVED telling me what to do, just like a good father would :)
Anyways, this is his birthday wish to me. It's adorable. And the picture is just a silly expression of one of our many times together. He had just given me a clay ornament (see my ear). He'd always bring me little gifts like that.
Happy birthday to me!!!
Hi Dearest Daughter! 22, August 2005
May you be Healthy
; Active
; Pleased
;Perfect
; Year after year with God's LOVE on BIRTHDAY.
With Love Much
Father
Here's my precious miracle friend, my soulmate in a nonromantic way. I've never been understood by a human being as completely in my life as I am by this man.
And here's why they love me...because we sit around taking goofy pictures, pretending we are either famous or five-year-olds.
They all remembered my birthday and sent me love! How great is that, what a motivator to keep on moving forward.
I've already heard from so many of you...so many of you who are overseas. Thanks, Moldova friends and family. I love you all so much.
More to come!
AL
Anyways, this is his birthday wish to me. It's adorable. And the picture is just a silly expression of one of our many times together. He had just given me a clay ornament (see my ear). He'd always bring me little gifts like that.
Happy birthday to me!!!
Hi Dearest Daughter! 22, August 2005
May you be Healthy
; Active
; Pleased
;Perfect
; Year after year with God's LOVE on BIRTHDAY.
With Love Much
Father
Here's my precious miracle friend, my soulmate in a nonromantic way. I've never been understood by a human being as completely in my life as I am by this man.
And here's why they love me...because we sit around taking goofy pictures, pretending we are either famous or five-year-olds.
They all remembered my birthday and sent me love! How great is that, what a motivator to keep on moving forward.
I've already heard from so many of you...so many of you who are overseas. Thanks, Moldova friends and family. I love you all so much.
More to come!
AL
Saturday, 20 August 2005
The Necklace of Memories, each of you a bead
Arley and Ash create Pirate Purses, designed for carrying small Asian children and paintbrushes
The Wednesday morning routine: lattes, granola, muffins, and books (and broken swings from time to time)
My little Senorita Kelly Severino and I holding our written agreements to write each other 2-3 emails a week until 2007
Drew Gullahorn can sleep anywhere, as long as he has his "Smashley" to hold him
Leonardo de Kara humbly holding her masterpiece, depicting our call to be salt and light in this world filled with synchronized swimmers and bosom buddy buddhists
A brief synopsis of my last week. I could only put 5 pictures at once, so I had to leave out a few:
Victory fighting off the raptors
Drew Gullahorn receiving his Monks tshirt with total joy
Baskin Robbins dancing with the Gullahorn Gang
Jake Severino karate chopping me in the kitchen
The Trail of Tears for the 'Saurs
2am Walmart Runs for Pink Floyd tshirts
Asherman and I playing in the snowbox
Stacey Nebel and I going crosseyed
Pump It Up with McConnell---a 25-year-old kids dream come true (yes, I jumped with all the 3 year olds)
As the time draws near for my Tuesday departure, my camera is clicking constantly. Memories are being made and captured faster than I have time to become sad or worrysome. God is graciously giving me compassion for the reality of the situation and how it affects others. I've been very steadily heading towards my drive to Virginia. I'm excited about all the rich moments which keep my love for my home strong and sweet. I desire to hold onto those until life's path and God's plan bring me back here. God is working and speaking and designing and decorating and planting and harvesting and mending and wooing:
I tried to pack, and I felt nauseated (correct form, V?). So I just threw a bunch of crap into a suitcase this morning and within 5 minutes I was done and out the door. It's too much to realistically reside in that place of separation. I know it's coming. I'm not denying or avoiding it. I'm walking as boldly as I can towards it. But I'm living in the moment. I'm DETERMINED to have fun, regardless of what or who is alongside me. Life is meant for such memories, such tastes of Heaven's glory and richness, when relationship with God and man is all we have to devote ourselves to. I've felt closer to the fellowship of believers that we are called to recently...and I'm just constantly thanking God for covering my wounds with a bandaid and restoring me to health.
On August 4th I heard a song that I've heard a million time: In Christ Alone. The last line ("Here in the power of Christ I'll stand") broke me. I became weak and spent about 5 days really figthing against that weak place. I didn't want to be weak. I wanted to have fun. But then, somehow, God answered prayers and just allowed me to be weak and to depend on his strength and to boast in that and to have fun not being the strong one. Joy returned to my life, and it wasn't dependent on my circumstances. Later that night I wrote the following:
<
If I can mercifully look at humanity...If I can read...If I can understand art...If I can afford a car or a life of missions...If I can have love and give love...If I can be a daugther of of 2 amazing parents...If I can play the piano...If I can run a marathon or play sports...If I can debate an issue...If I can have friends and be liked by others...If I can fit in a wide variety of social circles...If I can write a good piece of work...If I can have a successful relationship...IF I can empathize with the hurting around me...If I can be seen as wise or talented or creative...If I can draw a picture or paint a painting...If I can see the beauty in a sunset or a face...If I can SEE...If I can love anything or anyone...If I can dream to be any of these things, anything at all...it is because Christ has instilled in me that potential. He has resided in my heart so fully that I lieve through His abilities, He has chosen to love and bless me even though I suck.>>
I'm just trying to stand in the power of Christ. If you are reading this, i don't deserve your friendship but God has given it to me because he loves me and you. So thank you for letting God love me through you today. A bazillion names are coming to mind, and I just want you to know I am thankful for you and what you are to me. Love to you.
The Wednesday morning routine: lattes, granola, muffins, and books (and broken swings from time to time)
My little Senorita Kelly Severino and I holding our written agreements to write each other 2-3 emails a week until 2007
Drew Gullahorn can sleep anywhere, as long as he has his "Smashley" to hold him
Leonardo de Kara humbly holding her masterpiece, depicting our call to be salt and light in this world filled with synchronized swimmers and bosom buddy buddhists
A brief synopsis of my last week. I could only put 5 pictures at once, so I had to leave out a few:
Victory fighting off the raptors
Drew Gullahorn receiving his Monks tshirt with total joy
Baskin Robbins dancing with the Gullahorn Gang
Jake Severino karate chopping me in the kitchen
The Trail of Tears for the 'Saurs
2am Walmart Runs for Pink Floyd tshirts
Asherman and I playing in the snowbox
Stacey Nebel and I going crosseyed
Pump It Up with McConnell---a 25-year-old kids dream come true (yes, I jumped with all the 3 year olds)
As the time draws near for my Tuesday departure, my camera is clicking constantly. Memories are being made and captured faster than I have time to become sad or worrysome. God is graciously giving me compassion for the reality of the situation and how it affects others. I've been very steadily heading towards my drive to Virginia. I'm excited about all the rich moments which keep my love for my home strong and sweet. I desire to hold onto those until life's path and God's plan bring me back here. God is working and speaking and designing and decorating and planting and harvesting and mending and wooing:
I tried to pack, and I felt nauseated (correct form, V?). So I just threw a bunch of crap into a suitcase this morning and within 5 minutes I was done and out the door. It's too much to realistically reside in that place of separation. I know it's coming. I'm not denying or avoiding it. I'm walking as boldly as I can towards it. But I'm living in the moment. I'm DETERMINED to have fun, regardless of what or who is alongside me. Life is meant for such memories, such tastes of Heaven's glory and richness, when relationship with God and man is all we have to devote ourselves to. I've felt closer to the fellowship of believers that we are called to recently...and I'm just constantly thanking God for covering my wounds with a bandaid and restoring me to health.
On August 4th I heard a song that I've heard a million time: In Christ Alone. The last line ("Here in the power of Christ I'll stand") broke me. I became weak and spent about 5 days really figthing against that weak place. I didn't want to be weak. I wanted to have fun. But then, somehow, God answered prayers and just allowed me to be weak and to depend on his strength and to boast in that and to have fun not being the strong one. Joy returned to my life, and it wasn't dependent on my circumstances. Later that night I wrote the following:
<
If I can mercifully look at humanity...If I can read...If I can understand art...If I can afford a car or a life of missions...If I can have love and give love...If I can be a daugther of of 2 amazing parents...If I can play the piano...If I can run a marathon or play sports...If I can debate an issue...If I can have friends and be liked by others...If I can fit in a wide variety of social circles...If I can write a good piece of work...If I can have a successful relationship...IF I can empathize with the hurting around me...If I can be seen as wise or talented or creative...If I can draw a picture or paint a painting...If I can see the beauty in a sunset or a face...If I can SEE...If I can love anything or anyone...If I can dream to be any of these things, anything at all...it is because Christ has instilled in me that potential. He has resided in my heart so fully that I lieve through His abilities, He has chosen to love and bless me even though I suck.>>
I'm just trying to stand in the power of Christ. If you are reading this, i don't deserve your friendship but God has given it to me because he loves me and you. So thank you for letting God love me through you today. A bazillion names are coming to mind, and I just want you to know I am thankful for you and what you are to me. Love to you.
Friday, 19 August 2005
CS Lewis is the man of my dreams.
"God knows quite well how hard we find it to love Him more than anyone or anything else, and He won't be angry with us as long as we are trying. And he will help us."
— Letters to Children (6 May 1955) p. 52 Daily Quote by C.S. Lewis
Thursday, 18 August 2005
Victory in Jesus (played by Park Ranger Jason)
Our stellar group, courtesy of Love5
Love5 and Victory, taken during our brief glimpse of the mountaintop, blessing the world with peace (note the fingers)
Kev-o-nitaritadoobiesnoobiesnizzleforrizzle-aroni
5 and Nickel celebrating Jason's completion of the story: A modern day reinactment of story of Christ
Celebrating a job well done, Park Ranger-ette Victory looks to be in need of a bran muffin
Well, I've taken a few days to process my hiking trip last Saturday. Myself, Victory, Nickel, Kev-o-nita, Nicklaje, and Landry all set off for Monteagle and began our ascent up Fiery Gizzard, a 12 mile trail. The way up was quick, we were serenaded by group rounds of "Victory in Jesus" and various JLo songs (seeing as one of many nicknames for myself is ALo), and fun jabs at the KDoobie. About 1/2 way up the mountain, Victory took the lead and our pace quickened significantly, getting us to the top of the ridge in under 90 minutes.
K-Doobs allowed us to take "5", if you will, partake of melting Luna bars and relatively chilled water (suprising b/c Victory-who was carrying the pack-- sweats like a man, --but we don't hate her for it). As we all look up at Kevin who, as you can see in the photo, kept his distance from the pack and stayed above us, we saw over his shoulders the dangerous and darkening clouds of an ensuing storm framing him against the changing sky. We all hit the trail and tried to move quickly towards our 6-mile-away destination (aka--our cars). Here's where it gets good.
As Robert Frost would say, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and we took the one less traveled by...and that has most definately made all the difference." Kevin quite casually nods towards the river trail and says "which way you all wanna go". Clearly God, who controls the wind and waves, had given us ample warning of the weather forecast for the evening. Someone (who was it) says, "We haven't taken this way" and pointed down the slope. We all followed as the trail soon became a rocky path, which then became a dirtless path made of rather large rocks, which was soon nothing short of the steep side of the Grand Canyon. Rain began falling, the moon disappeared behind the forest's ceiling and the storm clouds...and as you can see in your mind's mental video of this event...we are all stumbling through the darkness with no natural light and no promise of home by the end of the night. Words probably don't exist to accurately describe the experinces which followed. What started out as a simple 12 miles continued for hour upon hour upon hour of pain, of emotion, of fear, of our lives hanging in the balance as the river (and the steep slope leading into such river) played games with our minds. Would we die? Which of us would be first? Could we somehow get Kevin back for what he'd done (sorry Doobs, but the thought was in my mind at one point. I think it was when you said "lovell, have fun." Or maybe when you stopped us for that supposed dead body you wanted to carry out of the woods.) Would someone break a leg? Would Landry run off with the mini-flashlight and leave us for dead? Would the darkness rob us of a night out of the forest? Would the raptors get us before we made it to the car? Questions abounded through my head, but no answers came---leaving us without hope in the dark forest of the night, on the mountain ridge of the shadow of death. But we did not fear. 3 hours passed and we did not fear, for he was with us. His word (being symbolized by the miniflashlight--a shout out to Nick) was nothing short of a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path.
Just when we hit the place where the two trails joined one another in joyous union, and we knew we had 1.5 miles left, our Savior arrived, his name being Jason (of course it's really Jesus). But see, I waited and waited througout the entire hike for God to reveal the spiritual significance of such an experience---as I did with most things in life. Finally, as Jason's headlamp quickly descended down the mountain, coming out of the darkness, we knew we were saved. Jason led us to a safe place where 2 other park rangers in jeeps transported (not teleported) us to safety.
The reality of this evening is not accurately described in this blog. I didn't expound upon the rocks Victory straddled as she fell in the darkness, or Nickel's 80-year-old arthritic ankles, or Landry's tendency to run off with our only source of light, my own bruises and scrapes and sharp comments directed towards the Doobs (sorry brother). All these small parts made the night a constant comedy routine in development. It was indescribably scary and hard and fun and unifying and I'm so bloody glad it's over.
Here's to my hikers...cheers to a memory of the ages!
Love5 and Victory, taken during our brief glimpse of the mountaintop, blessing the world with peace (note the fingers)
Kev-o-nitaritadoobiesnoobiesnizzleforrizzle-aroni
5 and Nickel celebrating Jason's completion of the story: A modern day reinactment of story of Christ
Celebrating a job well done, Park Ranger-ette Victory looks to be in need of a bran muffin
Well, I've taken a few days to process my hiking trip last Saturday. Myself, Victory, Nickel, Kev-o-nita, Nicklaje, and Landry all set off for Monteagle and began our ascent up Fiery Gizzard, a 12 mile trail. The way up was quick, we were serenaded by group rounds of "Victory in Jesus" and various JLo songs (seeing as one of many nicknames for myself is ALo), and fun jabs at the KDoobie. About 1/2 way up the mountain, Victory took the lead and our pace quickened significantly, getting us to the top of the ridge in under 90 minutes.
K-Doobs allowed us to take "5", if you will, partake of melting Luna bars and relatively chilled water (suprising b/c Victory-who was carrying the pack-- sweats like a man, --but we don't hate her for it). As we all look up at Kevin who, as you can see in the photo, kept his distance from the pack and stayed above us, we saw over his shoulders the dangerous and darkening clouds of an ensuing storm framing him against the changing sky. We all hit the trail and tried to move quickly towards our 6-mile-away destination (aka--our cars). Here's where it gets good.
As Robert Frost would say, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and we took the one less traveled by...and that has most definately made all the difference." Kevin quite casually nods towards the river trail and says "which way you all wanna go". Clearly God, who controls the wind and waves, had given us ample warning of the weather forecast for the evening. Someone (who was it) says, "We haven't taken this way" and pointed down the slope. We all followed as the trail soon became a rocky path, which then became a dirtless path made of rather large rocks, which was soon nothing short of the steep side of the Grand Canyon. Rain began falling, the moon disappeared behind the forest's ceiling and the storm clouds...and as you can see in your mind's mental video of this event...we are all stumbling through the darkness with no natural light and no promise of home by the end of the night. Words probably don't exist to accurately describe the experinces which followed. What started out as a simple 12 miles continued for hour upon hour upon hour of pain, of emotion, of fear, of our lives hanging in the balance as the river (and the steep slope leading into such river) played games with our minds. Would we die? Which of us would be first? Could we somehow get Kevin back for what he'd done (sorry Doobs, but the thought was in my mind at one point. I think it was when you said "lovell, have fun." Or maybe when you stopped us for that supposed dead body you wanted to carry out of the woods.) Would someone break a leg? Would Landry run off with the mini-flashlight and leave us for dead? Would the darkness rob us of a night out of the forest? Would the raptors get us before we made it to the car? Questions abounded through my head, but no answers came---leaving us without hope in the dark forest of the night, on the mountain ridge of the shadow of death. But we did not fear. 3 hours passed and we did not fear, for he was with us. His word (being symbolized by the miniflashlight--a shout out to Nick) was nothing short of a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path.
Just when we hit the place where the two trails joined one another in joyous union, and we knew we had 1.5 miles left, our Savior arrived, his name being Jason (of course it's really Jesus). But see, I waited and waited througout the entire hike for God to reveal the spiritual significance of such an experience---as I did with most things in life. Finally, as Jason's headlamp quickly descended down the mountain, coming out of the darkness, we knew we were saved. Jason led us to a safe place where 2 other park rangers in jeeps transported (not teleported) us to safety.
The reality of this evening is not accurately described in this blog. I didn't expound upon the rocks Victory straddled as she fell in the darkness, or Nickel's 80-year-old arthritic ankles, or Landry's tendency to run off with our only source of light, my own bruises and scrapes and sharp comments directed towards the Doobs (sorry brother). All these small parts made the night a constant comedy routine in development. It was indescribably scary and hard and fun and unifying and I'm so bloody glad it's over.
Here's to my hikers...cheers to a memory of the ages!
Wednesday, 17 August 2005
ROOOAAAAARRRRR!!!
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE THIS ONE BECAUSE ITS ASIAN AND ITS A PLANT EATER SO IT PROBABLY ISN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MASS SCARES THAT HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY ROARING 'SAURS IN THE PAST FEW DAYS. REMEMBER TO STILL TAKE COVER AND ALWAYS WEAR A RAINCOAT.
The Psittacosaurus was a strong, agile dinosaur with a powerful beak. A plant-eater, it lived in northeastern Asia between 144 million and 97 million years before present. The Psittacosaurus usually walked on its long hind legs, though it sometimes used its four-fingered forelimbs for travel as well.
BOOYAH! I HACKED IN SUCCESSFULLY AGAIN. MUCH LOVE, DAH? GO RAPTORS! -VICTORY
Tuesday, 16 August 2005
The Once's Become
I have amazing friends. I really, really do. I'm surrounded by people who love me and value me and want me to be free. Last night I came home and started writing. I haven't just written without editing or being organized in my thoughts in a long time and it felt really good. I don't know, maybe it will help someone else out there. Maybe not. But I don't fear that outcome, I just want to share it.
The Once's Become
My mind jumps like a dancing firefly
between the dwellings of faith and the empty tombs of doubt
Because there is no contact of feet with the everpresent and infinite line
between the two,
And yet I think the final point on the trail is one of peace and one of hope
and one of love and one of faith.
I juggle the pins and balls and flames that seem so
easily tameable until I hear one hit the floor
or a nearby piece of furniture,
or worse still a fragile moment holding a fragile child of a thought
birthed into the hands of uncertainty.
And all around me that once was safe and once was home
and once was good breaks under the impact--
the impact of dream and doubt, flight and fear, wings and worry,
I stop jumping I stop juggling I stop knowing
anything at all.
I look below me and all around lay the remnants
of a once-dream, once-promise, once-hope, once-love.
And the once's glisten and sparkle as a light falls upon them.
The once's become.
In their still onceness, they design a broken dream that never could be seen before,
and it's as if the onces, the moments,
they contain a beauty only exaggerated by unity.
But they are still beautiful, in all their brokenness.
And she glistens and sparkles in that moment of defeat
and separation and chaos and quiet.
Above her the light beams down, all around,
and the world is still beautiful, and the world is still jumping,
and the world is still juggling, but
the broken moment created for her a unique chance to shine
and a place for her feet to land.
((to kev-on-ita, nickle, victory, nicklaje, and monzarella...i'll blog about the hike from hell later today.))
The Once's Become
My mind jumps like a dancing firefly
between the dwellings of faith and the empty tombs of doubt
Because there is no contact of feet with the everpresent and infinite line
between the two,
And yet I think the final point on the trail is one of peace and one of hope
and one of love and one of faith.
I juggle the pins and balls and flames that seem so
easily tameable until I hear one hit the floor
or a nearby piece of furniture,
or worse still a fragile moment holding a fragile child of a thought
birthed into the hands of uncertainty.
And all around me that once was safe and once was home
and once was good breaks under the impact--
the impact of dream and doubt, flight and fear, wings and worry,
I stop jumping I stop juggling I stop knowing
anything at all.
I look below me and all around lay the remnants
of a once-dream, once-promise, once-hope, once-love.
And the once's glisten and sparkle as a light falls upon them.
The once's become.
In their still onceness, they design a broken dream that never could be seen before,
and it's as if the onces, the moments,
they contain a beauty only exaggerated by unity.
But they are still beautiful, in all their brokenness.
And she glistens and sparkles in that moment of defeat
and separation and chaos and quiet.
Above her the light beams down, all around,
and the world is still beautiful, and the world is still jumping,
and the world is still juggling, but
the broken moment created for her a unique chance to shine
and a place for her feet to land.
((to kev-on-ita, nickle, victory, nicklaje, and monzarella...i'll blog about the hike from hell later today.))
Saturday, 13 August 2005
dedicated to Dr. Jennifer Phillips
This is from Jennifer's graduation tonight. She is now Dr. Jennifer Phillips, Healer of Broken Bones and Ligaments.
Left to right: Heather, Kelsey, Dr. Phillips, Ashley.
Tonight at the graduation, I looked at Kelsey and said, "Are you going to make fun of me if I take notes?" I wasn't really listening and recording the words of Dr. Fisher, Belmont's current president. I was more inspired by the atmosphere, coupled with the conversation Kelsey and I were having before the ceremony began. She has just returned from a summer of working as the worship leader for CentriKid. All night she was bubbling with excitement over her desire to be full of grace for those around her, to be an "atypical christian", meaning she wants to find a way to minister, to be Christ, to the world right here in Nashville. She is the third person in the last year that has said, "Ashley, I feel called to America." I've never heard this before, it totally takes me off guard because it sounds so odd at first. But each time someone says it, I undesrtand more and more what they mean. And tonight, as if God himself had decided to step up to the lecturn of my heart and give a speech of truth about this topic, I couldn't help but write it down. Here is exactly what I wrote:
Called to be in America:
at a university--raising up multiple generations of potential leader of the Christian faith. challenging their traditional "opinions". giving them a worldview. promoting an awareness of injustice and 3rd world poverty.
Each student is a potential missionary, activist, politician, changer of the world at large. Therefore, the value of continuing this (education) is immeasurable. As a "Christian country", founded on these principles, and as a person who values this faith in a country that really doesn't, or whose value of it is degenerative--it is ESSENTIAL to at least maintain (if not increase) this foundation, this core of who we are. It's as valuable as any other service of God because it's like the womb from which these leaders are born. Growing and nurturing these values, these principles, these leaders is key to sending them out into the world.
God showed me the invaluable need for maintaining the bare minimum Christianity we have here, all the while trying to build upon it. In order for people to become impassioned about something, they must know about it. In order to know about it, someone must tell them. I know I'm quoting Paul in Romans, but I also mean it in an "american missions" sort of way. It's from college trips to China and my church's missionary focus that I became focused on Asia, willing to give 3 years of my life to living there. I will always care about the world around me, I will always love the adventure and the rawness of such experiences. Just reading through Colossians last night, my heart beat faster when it mentioned Paul coming to them, becuase I thought of how exciting it would be for Paul to go on that journey. I have something inside of me that loves to be overseas and loves to share the gospel there. But tonight there was this deep conviction, yes...it was conviction b/c I've underestimated this in the past--for the excitement of being involved in the enabling process. Being a professor, a pastor, a teacher, a representative of justice, a fighter for those who cannot defend themselves: but doing this in America. Continuing to pass along the torch of passion and purpose handed to me in my Philosophical Ethics class with Dr. Ronnie Littlejohn at Belmont. It all came full circle.
I'm glad for my new value of such work. I believe one day God will ask me to stay here in America, to plant my feet a little, to be here with my mom and dad and brother, to continue my education in one way or another, to learn how to be salt and light in my own country, to mentor and educate a younger generation about the very things my heart breaks for: the Armenian genocide, the famine in Ukraine, South Africa apartheid, India's democracy, China's Nanjing Massacre and Tianamen Square, Civil Rights in the South, special needs children, down syndrome, drug addiction, orphans, lonely old men eating alone at restaurants, girls with bad skin who think they are ugly and unwanted, single mothers whose husbands loved them and left them, young girls who have lost their sense of value as a child of God when they lost their innocence to a man...I could go on and on. My heart hurts the same for all these issues, there is no degree of suffering which I feel for one over the other.
I'm so excited about my future. I don't have a CLUE what it holds, where it will take me, when it will end, or who will be there with me. I'm just glad to be alive, to have the knowledge of Christ, and the health to share him wherever I am. I'm excited to be going to Asia while I'm young and single, while I have the desire and the means to get there, while it's open to allowing me to stay. I'm excited about being with my parents as they age, watching their own lives grow and change. I'm excited about starting a family one day, or at least adopting children who need a mom. I'm excited about hanging out with my friends here, there, everywhere. I'm excited about going to South Africa and working with the Thomas' for however long God says. I'm excited about traveling to India and Africa in the next 2 years, about working in Asia in the meantime, about staying in touch with people back home, about sharing what God is doing with those who listen to me, about writing, about reading, about exercising, about learning.
I'm excited!!!! It came full circle tonight. Belmont did me right! They taught me how to be consumed with knowing more and more, about being aware, about presenting my case, about listening, about researching, about working HARD, about loss, about friendship, about knowing what you believe and doubting it everyday, about respecting your elders and submitting to authority.
Jennifer, thank you for studying hard for 3 years, for graduating tonight, so that I could see all this come together, and share it with you. This post is dedicated to Dr. Jennifer Phillips!
Love to you all--AL
Thursday, 11 August 2005
But the greatest of these.
Hey friends and family,
Life is very different day to day. I'd try to update you on what I've been doing, but it's just not that easy. For me, accomplishment and activity occur more in my mind and in my heart than in my physical body. Sure, I stay busy. You all know that about me. I'm good at doing stuff, checking off the list of things I've got to finish, trying to understand what I'm doing with my life. The other night I reread over my journals from a few months ago, the time when I was trying to figure out what I was doing after I came home from Asia. My gosh, I was stressed out. Looking at my thoughts on paper, it's a wonder I made it through that time. I made some stupid choices, I hurt people I love deeply, but I was just trying to "figure out" what to do. So much of me believed that there was this answer looming in the mist of my mind and if I just looked hard enough, squinted long enough, and stood in the dark and cold forest of confusion, the sun would come up and I'd see what the light was shining upon...and walk towards that.
Then the tsunami happened and my world was rocked. I cried for 4 days and don't remember eating much or leaving the house. I couldn't stop watching CNN. Everything inside of me responded to the need there and thank the Lord I was able to go for a week and not really do anything...but instead to use my mind and my heart to intercede for those people who had lost everything that humanity values: family, home, belongings, safety.
In many ways, that trip changed my life. Not because of what I saw or what I knew I had to do, but because of what I knew I enjoyed doing. I enjoyed being in Asia, so I came home and found a way to live there again. I enjoyed watching people question their God and respond to Christ, so I chose to return to the places of the world which God has given me a never-ending call to--in one way or another. I valued and grew from the presence of Tim in my life, so I waited for that relationship to develop as God saw fit.
But things change. My heart doesn't feel that same conviction for Asia and for living there as it did six months ago. I still WANT to go, much like I want many things in my life. I still CHOOSE to go, because I know I'll be in God's will and am, as Stephen said last night, "returning to his lap". For me, my time in Asia is not over and I'll continue to go there and be there until it is time to leave. This doesn't scare me, it just means--as it always has before--that I loose lots of things and people I love in the meantime.
"New growths insensibly bud upward to fill each vacated place. Unforeseen accidents hinder intentions, and old plans are forgotten." Hardy has said this sentence and I've repeated it I don't know how many times in my life. I seem to have many "new growths" and forgotten old plans...even the most foolproof plan possible, even the ones I went into without doubt or fear. It's amazing how off you can be, or how easily you can loose something you love.
So today finds me back where I started. Me, God, Asia. I love that. I love that God has called me to Asia and that He's real enough to me that the loss of other things that are definately important is just a part of serving such a living and real God. A God who is worth those losses, however great they are. A God who has more desire for his children to return to him than for those children to have it easy or breezy in this life.
I see God mightly at work here. So much of me aches at leaving a place like this, a place where I never thought I had a role to play...but where I now know I could stay and be in His will just as completely as I will be when I leave. Sometimes life gives you choices and you choose based on a moment, or on a series of moments which you know you can depend on, moments which God had so saturated with his presence that you know to return to an old place will provide more of the same. But believe me, I could definately see myself staying here. That's the difference from this time and the last, and I've told all of you this. That sometimes you just take something and run with it, and you trust that if it's giving God glory, if that is your intention, then he'll make up for your losses.
Last night one of my closest friends called me to say his cousin had shot himself in the heart, his wife and baby boy watching. My friend was so disturbed and also thankful that his own life hasn't ended in much the same way. In that moment of pain that I felt for him, I remembered that our stories are what we share with the world. And my story has impacted people in Nashville over the last year. It's brought me new and amazing friends, it's strengthened old bonds, and it's weakened others. But our life is most definately a gift. A gift we have the power to reject, to mistreat, to throw to the pigs, or to use for good. All I'm trying to do is use my life for good, to learn how to love people well. And we need love everywhere, not just in Asia. We need love in Nashville to comfort the wife and child who have just witnessed a murder. We need love to heal them, to fill up the gaping hole that bullet left in their own hearts, to show them that their life's purpose carries on, and that God makes up for our losses.
I encourage you, wherever you are today, to press on. Press on towards Christ in your world today. For some of you, that's an office. For others, that's a living room as a mother. For still others that's a school room or a university. And for myself and many I know who are abroad, that's a foreign country where some days fly by like a hare and others crawl like a tortise.
The world's pain is very real and we've got the power through Christ to comfort a lost and dying world and to teach them what faith, hope and love are by living them out in our own lives. So walk towards your light, out of your dark forest of confusion, and down the path that leads to peace. Share your story. Believe in the power of the good you have full access to. Don't be afraid of doubt, and don't allow it to take from you things you know you value deep down inside of your heart. Allow God to be the thief of your insecurities and the thoughts which tell you it all has to make sense and YOU must be the catalyst for clarity in your mind. Because the bottom line is that nothing really makes sense until we get to heaven and we know in full, we see a full reflection as in a mirror. And that in the meantime, 3 things will remain. Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is most definately love.
Life is very different day to day. I'd try to update you on what I've been doing, but it's just not that easy. For me, accomplishment and activity occur more in my mind and in my heart than in my physical body. Sure, I stay busy. You all know that about me. I'm good at doing stuff, checking off the list of things I've got to finish, trying to understand what I'm doing with my life. The other night I reread over my journals from a few months ago, the time when I was trying to figure out what I was doing after I came home from Asia. My gosh, I was stressed out. Looking at my thoughts on paper, it's a wonder I made it through that time. I made some stupid choices, I hurt people I love deeply, but I was just trying to "figure out" what to do. So much of me believed that there was this answer looming in the mist of my mind and if I just looked hard enough, squinted long enough, and stood in the dark and cold forest of confusion, the sun would come up and I'd see what the light was shining upon...and walk towards that.
Then the tsunami happened and my world was rocked. I cried for 4 days and don't remember eating much or leaving the house. I couldn't stop watching CNN. Everything inside of me responded to the need there and thank the Lord I was able to go for a week and not really do anything...but instead to use my mind and my heart to intercede for those people who had lost everything that humanity values: family, home, belongings, safety.
In many ways, that trip changed my life. Not because of what I saw or what I knew I had to do, but because of what I knew I enjoyed doing. I enjoyed being in Asia, so I came home and found a way to live there again. I enjoyed watching people question their God and respond to Christ, so I chose to return to the places of the world which God has given me a never-ending call to--in one way or another. I valued and grew from the presence of Tim in my life, so I waited for that relationship to develop as God saw fit.
But things change. My heart doesn't feel that same conviction for Asia and for living there as it did six months ago. I still WANT to go, much like I want many things in my life. I still CHOOSE to go, because I know I'll be in God's will and am, as Stephen said last night, "returning to his lap". For me, my time in Asia is not over and I'll continue to go there and be there until it is time to leave. This doesn't scare me, it just means--as it always has before--that I loose lots of things and people I love in the meantime.
"New growths insensibly bud upward to fill each vacated place. Unforeseen accidents hinder intentions, and old plans are forgotten." Hardy has said this sentence and I've repeated it I don't know how many times in my life. I seem to have many "new growths" and forgotten old plans...even the most foolproof plan possible, even the ones I went into without doubt or fear. It's amazing how off you can be, or how easily you can loose something you love.
So today finds me back where I started. Me, God, Asia. I love that. I love that God has called me to Asia and that He's real enough to me that the loss of other things that are definately important is just a part of serving such a living and real God. A God who is worth those losses, however great they are. A God who has more desire for his children to return to him than for those children to have it easy or breezy in this life.
I see God mightly at work here. So much of me aches at leaving a place like this, a place where I never thought I had a role to play...but where I now know I could stay and be in His will just as completely as I will be when I leave. Sometimes life gives you choices and you choose based on a moment, or on a series of moments which you know you can depend on, moments which God had so saturated with his presence that you know to return to an old place will provide more of the same. But believe me, I could definately see myself staying here. That's the difference from this time and the last, and I've told all of you this. That sometimes you just take something and run with it, and you trust that if it's giving God glory, if that is your intention, then he'll make up for your losses.
Last night one of my closest friends called me to say his cousin had shot himself in the heart, his wife and baby boy watching. My friend was so disturbed and also thankful that his own life hasn't ended in much the same way. In that moment of pain that I felt for him, I remembered that our stories are what we share with the world. And my story has impacted people in Nashville over the last year. It's brought me new and amazing friends, it's strengthened old bonds, and it's weakened others. But our life is most definately a gift. A gift we have the power to reject, to mistreat, to throw to the pigs, or to use for good. All I'm trying to do is use my life for good, to learn how to love people well. And we need love everywhere, not just in Asia. We need love in Nashville to comfort the wife and child who have just witnessed a murder. We need love to heal them, to fill up the gaping hole that bullet left in their own hearts, to show them that their life's purpose carries on, and that God makes up for our losses.
I encourage you, wherever you are today, to press on. Press on towards Christ in your world today. For some of you, that's an office. For others, that's a living room as a mother. For still others that's a school room or a university. And for myself and many I know who are abroad, that's a foreign country where some days fly by like a hare and others crawl like a tortise.
The world's pain is very real and we've got the power through Christ to comfort a lost and dying world and to teach them what faith, hope and love are by living them out in our own lives. So walk towards your light, out of your dark forest of confusion, and down the path that leads to peace. Share your story. Believe in the power of the good you have full access to. Don't be afraid of doubt, and don't allow it to take from you things you know you value deep down inside of your heart. Allow God to be the thief of your insecurities and the thoughts which tell you it all has to make sense and YOU must be the catalyst for clarity in your mind. Because the bottom line is that nothing really makes sense until we get to heaven and we know in full, we see a full reflection as in a mirror. And that in the meantime, 3 things will remain. Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is most definately love.
Wednesday, 10 August 2005
Changes
Things change. Life is funny like that. It's not been a few moments from when you step out in boldness and make a claim about something that it gets challenged. I sometimes wish I'd keep my mouth shut, or at least be able to rewind time and not be so extreme. For all of you who my words have hurt, I'm truly sorry. I desire so much to be a person of poise and composure and above all TRUST but it's hard and life changes...
My favorite all time quote rings in my mind and is actually comforting my hurting heart right now; it gives me hope:
"New growths insensibly bud upward to fill each vacated place. Unforseen accidents hinder intentions, and old plans are forgotten." --Thomas Hardy
Old plans are forgotten quite often. This is the case because it's hard to depend on the human race. We're pretty rotten by nature, but lots of us strive to be better than that. We all fall, and Christ's law of doing to someone else exactly as you would want them to do to you is contrary to our innate rottenness.
So I hope that today I can do unto this world as I'd have it do unto me, and that I would consider the unexpected, because change is sure to come.
Love to you,
AL
My favorite all time quote rings in my mind and is actually comforting my hurting heart right now; it gives me hope:
"New growths insensibly bud upward to fill each vacated place. Unforseen accidents hinder intentions, and old plans are forgotten." --Thomas Hardy
Old plans are forgotten quite often. This is the case because it's hard to depend on the human race. We're pretty rotten by nature, but lots of us strive to be better than that. We all fall, and Christ's law of doing to someone else exactly as you would want them to do to you is contrary to our innate rottenness.
So I hope that today I can do unto this world as I'd have it do unto me, and that I would consider the unexpected, because change is sure to come.
Love to you,
AL
Tuesday, 09 August 2005
A Latte Cameron (Picture Below)
I entered the unnamed coffeeshop this evening in quite the funk. Indescribable as it was, my mood was somber and my heart was heavy. I needed to be at my coffeeshop, and it's dependability at that moment robbed me of words and composure. Cameron, my sweet barista friend (who is moving in 3 days---waaaahhh!!!) greeting me with a hug and a gentle spirit, knowing the plight of my coming days. I explained to her and Jason that I was just trying to enjoy my night, savor the moment--so much so that I was depressed and crying :) My friends noticed that I was sucking at my attempt to enjoy myself, and after dinner we all went our separate ways. But the coffee shop remained.
I took a seat as my phone rang and my sweet friend Stacey called. I got to spend all morning with her and so to hear her voice again was like music. She just returned from Texas where she was doing lots of cool stuff and just trying to find her way...which lead her back to Nashville, and to Bongo Java this morning where we reconvened for a 2year reunion. Nick came and sat with me in my sorrow. It was a great moment of friendship, and I felt safe again.
I look up and Cameron is cradling a double-sized cup in her hands, holding it near her hear as if pouring her hearts' love into the cup's opening. She smiled and said, "A double soy latte, decaf so you can sleep tonight." How amazing is that? She knew my drink by memory and she made it as an offering of love and comfort. She sat down and we laughed my cares away.
So to Cameron and Nick, thank you. Just as Joe in New York can claim the "cup a joe" slogan, so you can claim my hearts' " a latte cameron" for years to come. I'll never drink a soy latte with the same joy as i did tonight. It's amazing what thoughtfulness and company of friends can do to an aching heart. Words weren't necessary, my pain was no longer my own. It was shared by two other people who took a moment to sit in that dark place with me.
Thank you. Again and again, thank you.
Click the dots to see her website! She's superb! I tried to post your picture nick, but it wouldn't work. His website is www.xanga.com/nickjones1
Sunday, 07 August 2005
I don't know what to do with this...
I'm on this human rights website daily. It's so well-organized and filled with information. At first I thought it was a little biased b/c every other link seemed to be dogging Turkey or the Turkish people or the history of Turkey. People change...I know this for a fact...so why are they singling out Turkey all the time?
I don't claim to know enough or be the jury on this issue, but I've read through quite a few of the genocide bios on this site, and it seems to be the case that Turkey is mentioned in a negative way, and not inaccurately. The first genocide of the 20th century was led by the Ottoman Empire (eventually Turks) and Hitler later said of his own attempts to eradicate the Polish race: "Who still talks nowadays about the Armenians?" In a sentence, he's saying that the world either immediately turns its head from injustice and mass murder, or experiences a strangely recurring case of memory loss.
"The Republic of Turkey has directly funded the distortion of its own history by funding the efforts needed to create Turkish studies departments in some of the most prestigious American University campuses (such as University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, University of Michigan, Princeton, Harvard, Georgetown, and the University of Chicago). The Republic of Turkey has directly funded lobbyists (sums over $1,000,000 per lobbyist) to enter the halls of the United States congress to lobby against Armenian Genocide recognition. And now business and economy is being used to fund these lobbyists, to create Armenian Genocide denial organizations, and to sway the public's opinion about the record of human rights violations that the Turkish government has constructed through the centuries." (United Human Rights Council website)
What's coming over me? I just cannot understand all this. I don't guess I should be able to. Injustice isn't reasonable. It's a good thing that my mind cannot compartmentalize these pieces of history into the "Too Bad" box. It's too much for me to hold in my head, so I share it with you. I'm not trying to depress you. I just see themes developing here...which means that there are countries this very moment experiencing such injustice, and there are countries in the future who will be stilled and wiped out by the "bloody hand of the executioner man" (indigo girls).
I'm sorry...I just don't know what to do with this.
Love you guys,
Ash
--click the dots by the title of this blog to see a modernday map of Turkey.
I don't claim to know enough or be the jury on this issue, but I've read through quite a few of the genocide bios on this site, and it seems to be the case that Turkey is mentioned in a negative way, and not inaccurately. The first genocide of the 20th century was led by the Ottoman Empire (eventually Turks) and Hitler later said of his own attempts to eradicate the Polish race: "Who still talks nowadays about the Armenians?" In a sentence, he's saying that the world either immediately turns its head from injustice and mass murder, or experiences a strangely recurring case of memory loss.
"The Republic of Turkey has directly funded the distortion of its own history by funding the efforts needed to create Turkish studies departments in some of the most prestigious American University campuses (such as University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, University of Michigan, Princeton, Harvard, Georgetown, and the University of Chicago). The Republic of Turkey has directly funded lobbyists (sums over $1,000,000 per lobbyist) to enter the halls of the United States congress to lobby against Armenian Genocide recognition. And now business and economy is being used to fund these lobbyists, to create Armenian Genocide denial organizations, and to sway the public's opinion about the record of human rights violations that the Turkish government has constructed through the centuries." (United Human Rights Council website)
What's coming over me? I just cannot understand all this. I don't guess I should be able to. Injustice isn't reasonable. It's a good thing that my mind cannot compartmentalize these pieces of history into the "Too Bad" box. It's too much for me to hold in my head, so I share it with you. I'm not trying to depress you. I just see themes developing here...which means that there are countries this very moment experiencing such injustice, and there are countries in the future who will be stilled and wiped out by the "bloody hand of the executioner man" (indigo girls).
I'm sorry...I just don't know what to do with this.
Love you guys,
Ash
--click the dots by the title of this blog to see a modernday map of Turkey.
Saturday, 06 August 2005
Sunny Days
This is me and my dog, Luke. On most cloudy days of the heart, he's my sunshine. He's so much fun. Two of my friends got him for me when I turned 17 and was having a really hard time in high school. We drove out to the Lebanon Animal Shelter and played with each puppy in his litter, Luke being last. He was only a few weeks old and he was the odd one. All the other dogs let you love on them and hold them in your lap. But as soon as Luke hit the ground, he ran straight into a tree and then, turning around and giving us three girls a curious look, squatted and went to the bathroom in the middle of our circle. We all looked at one another, smiled, and said "He's the one." I've been laughing ever since!
His personality is amazing. I think what I loved most about Luke that first day was his lack of concern with us. Sure, he enjoyed having us there watching him, but he wasn't embarassed to be who he was and do what he wanted to do. He was, in some ways, really confident. And at a time when I was the polar opposite of everything the word confident means, I knew he's bring something to my life that I needed. Sometimes when i look at him, just watching him do what he does as a dog, I start crying b/c I love him so much. It's strange, but he represents so much to me.
So I devoted Friday morning to Luke. It was Luke and Ashley day and we (I) decided to lay out. My towel hadn't been on the deck floor 2 minutes before he was walking all over it, sniffing my glass of water, and settling into a comfy place right next to me. pretty soon, he had taken over the towel b/c he kept scooting closer and closer to me. We didn't lay out long :)
But we took this fun picture to commemorate the event. Isn't he cute? He's insane, fun, loving, self-absorbed, and loud. But he has never failed to make me smile. There's something irreplacable about a pet like that.
I've had a random few days. Last night my "friends" kevin, blake, and jennifer thought it'd be fun to hook up kevin's ems machine he used during his glory days of football to my right bicep. Basically it sent little pulses through my muscle and made it flex uncontrollably. After being unhooked from this torture device, I got to drive the biggest car of my life. It's Kevin's SuperJeep (called a cjsomething) and it's a big ole' car. I felt like i was on a safari in Africa, trying to figure out the clutch and the wobbly wheel. Once I got it, we came to the unnamed coffee shop and went to see the worst movie ever. This morning I was awaken by an Asian man from Ft. Wayne, Indiana calling me! Life is random these days.
My dad just walked into the unnamed coffee shop, so I should go talk to him. Maybe i'll write more later. I feel wordy today.
Friday, 05 August 2005
"The Hungering Dark"
"O Thou, who art the God no less of those who know thee not than of those who love thee well, be present with us at the times of choosing when time stands still and all that lies behind and all that lies ahead are caught up in the mystery of a moment. Be present especially with the young who must choose between many voices. Help them to know how much an old world needs their youth and gladness. Help them to know that there are words of truth and healing that will never be spoken unless they speak them, and deeds of compassion and courage that will never be done unless they do them. Help them never to mistake success for victory or failure for defeat. Grant that they may never be entirely content with whatever bounty the world may bestown upon them, but that they may know at last that they were created not for happiness but for joy, and that joy is to him alone who, sometimes with tears in his eyes, commits himself in love to thee and to his brothers. Lead them and all thy world ever deeper into the knowledge that finally all men are one and that there can never really be joy for any until there is joy for all. In Christ's name we ask it and for his sake." Amen. (Frederick Buechner)
**This is exactly where I am today. Karla Worley read this to me this morning over cinnamon muffins and homemade latte's. While her voice read the beautiful words of a well known man of God, my heart began to unwind and drip the first of what will be an ever-growing puddle of loss and relinquishment. I'm praying for the endurance to swim through what will soon become a fast-moving river that sweeps me from one world into another. The voices that shout to me from the banks of the river are muddled and all I can really hear today is the pounding of waves against my head.
I had forgotten this painful part of the leaving process. I feel painfully disconnected from those people who mean the most to me. I'm mourning the loss of many things, defined and left unsaid, that seem to be leaving my life. Change is all around me and I hurt over the fact that I have been so unable to make sense of anything or organize my life in such a way that makes Christ look good.
I'm constantly in tears today. I sense some changes coming in the next few days and i just really need to keep Christ as the focus of my mind. These voices are too much without him.
Don't you love the joy in this post?
Today...this actually looks appealing. Me, Asia, some assurance that God's with me and that I'm not screwing something up.
**This is exactly where I am today. Karla Worley read this to me this morning over cinnamon muffins and homemade latte's. While her voice read the beautiful words of a well known man of God, my heart began to unwind and drip the first of what will be an ever-growing puddle of loss and relinquishment. I'm praying for the endurance to swim through what will soon become a fast-moving river that sweeps me from one world into another. The voices that shout to me from the banks of the river are muddled and all I can really hear today is the pounding of waves against my head.
I had forgotten this painful part of the leaving process. I feel painfully disconnected from those people who mean the most to me. I'm mourning the loss of many things, defined and left unsaid, that seem to be leaving my life. Change is all around me and I hurt over the fact that I have been so unable to make sense of anything or organize my life in such a way that makes Christ look good.
I'm constantly in tears today. I sense some changes coming in the next few days and i just really need to keep Christ as the focus of my mind. These voices are too much without him.
Don't you love the joy in this post?
Today...this actually looks appealing. Me, Asia, some assurance that God's with me and that I'm not screwing something up.
Thursday, 04 August 2005
roads intersect if you stay on them
This picture captures the past two weeks of my life. It feels like I've been coming here for years, and yet this haven of friends and study and relaxation has only recently entered my life. Unnamed though it is, the coffee, the service--especially my friends here Jason, Cameron, and Nick--, the atmosphere, and the dependability I have in running into at least one person I know makes the coffeehouse on Carothers (name is hilariously in the very front of the photo, but this was not planned!) a must for any of you readers.
I owe alot to this room i sit in. Loaded up with all a young girl needs, I'm just always at rest when I come here. I usually sit where I can gaze out the window from time to time. The view of my hometown is so comforting. The essence of the window-picture is rolling hills, something my Asian home has none of and it's the one feature lacking in the topography of my Asian life which i pine the most for. Each tree top represents a hiding place, much like this one I sit at today. I place where animals and insects and beauty live, where they look down upon us with...whatever...i really have no idea what bugs or birds think. But I know that I think about them across the way and I imagine quiet and hidden parts that people won't know about. Kinda like heaven. We just won't know until we get there. But from this view we have, we ought to gaze more often upon the possibilities.
Thank you to all you commenters. Mike, wow! What does a girl say to a post like that? I had no idea you were capable of such exaggeration, though i've seen it seep out from time to time. Your words were kind and I'll save that post for all time and read it when I can'tget to a tv to watch Annie---for the feelings evoked from both were quiet the same for me. You're no daddy warbucks but only because you have a full head of hair. It was good seeing you last night and hearing the newest developments in your walk with our Lord.
Amy-Jo Girarereerrrrrrr? Is that you? Oh my gosh---I'm just keeping my eyes peeled until I see you again. It's bound to be soon. I'll see you on August 16 or 17 for sure! Don't you have a blog? I'd love to read that one!
And Abbs....happy 2 year anniversary! Tell your boys hello and I'll see you soon. I think Landon might have already outgrown the "I LOVE ASIA" shirt I bought him, but i"ll bring it none the less. And your thrift store gift!! I can't wait to give that to you.
I watched Dogtown and Zboys again today. It's a great film. It reminded me of the Civil Rights movement, and I'm not making a stretch here. Total parallels! These boys grew up in the armpit of California. Watching their hometown of Venice turn into a carnival, discovering one another and thier mutual passions for surfing, pursuing a passion that the world didn't understand or even think was cool, one that definately had no future, and just saying whatever to conventional life...it all connected later to the birth of skateboarding. Watching the movie a second time i see how skating perfected their surfing, and eventually took precedent over the water. It showed me that there is a purpose to our interests and random passions. There is something more to it than just irresponsibility or avoiding life. It's from God. If you listen to the worlds' criticisms of you or the way you spend your time or money, dreams will die and civilization misses out on the contribution you were created to make to it. But CHOOSING to follow your passion--there is nothing like it!! It will slowly connect you to other related things, and you come to find yourself ahead of the game, setting the trends, and making a name for yourself simply by doing what you love to do most. It's the same way when i study civil rights. It all connects.
And to prove it, I'm posting this next picture. 8 Asians at my coffeeshop last night. My worlds connect. I love it so much!
Wednesday, 03 August 2005
Let the Goodbyes Begin...
Well, today was a sure sign that I'm really leaving, and leaving soon. I remember when this started happening last time I moved to Asia, when everytime I saw someone they would ask if it would be our last time together, when people started measuring the time from now until my departure date in weeks, when I took pictures with people because it truly was our last time together.
This is my sweet friend Erin MacAnally, who was also my roommate in China. Fitting that she should be my first friend goodbye. Erin is moving to Hawaii this sunday for 9 months to go to school. She's pursuing an upper degree of some sort in Asian politics. From January 06 on, she'll be travelling and maybe even living in Thailand, Laos, China, etc. But she'll be spending her next few months on the beautiful hawaiian islands. We spent the afternoon together today and I'm reminded of just what a kind woman she really is: sweet. Goodbye Erin! See you in Asia!
Today at work Mrs. Barnett said, "you leave 3 weeks from today." I hadn't really thought about it that way, but she's right! hmmm....that makes me wanna cry.
I'm sitting at the unnamed coffee shop, about to watch a documentary on skateboarders and do some IMB work. I really want to go to church this evening because Kairos is starting up, but I mostly go for the socializing, and I'm determined to spend my time more wisely than using church to give me a social life. That always leads me to forgetting why I'm at church. But tonight, the wisdom and fellowship would be a nice balm to my slightly aching heart...but this latte is good and the sun is shining onto my back and I think I'm in a good place for now.
Love to you all,
Ashley
Tuesday, 02 August 2005
Why Armenia? Why not?
ok, so the last post was both random and depressing. i'm sorry. i had spent too much time on a human rights website that jen gash sent me and i got carried away. i just had no idea about that event. i guess that happens when you don't study history at all.
more later, i'm going to get my car tested. each time i do this i get closer and closer to knowing my car's death is near and it is a little emotional. so, for fear of dragging you down with me during this time, i'll say goodbye for now.
Is this sea of Asian faces helping anyone else feel better?
more later, i'm going to get my car tested. each time i do this i get closer and closer to knowing my car's death is near and it is a little emotional. so, for fear of dragging you down with me during this time, i'll say goodbye for now.
Is this sea of Asian faces helping anyone else feel better?
Remember Armenia
"The Armenian Genocide was the first genocide of the 20th century. This unpunished genocide laid the groundwork for future genocides, such as the Holocaust, Cambodia, Rwanda, and today Sudan. In fact, Adolf Hitler referenced the Armenian Genocide prior to executing the tragic Holocaust.
As Americans it is our duty not only to love, protect, and serve our own country, but to extend a helping hand to all those who are wronged and in need. We must reach out to our nation's leadership and urge them to seek justice for the Genocide, the unpunished and forgotten crime against humanity." (www.marchforhumanity.org)
These people are marching from Fresno to Sacramento in remembrance of the 1,500,000 victims who died in the Armenian Genocide. They were subjected to torture, starvation, and murcder by the rulers of the Ottoman Turkish Empire in an attempt to eliminate all the people of this civilization. As of 2005 the Republic of Turkey denied this genocide's occurence.
As Americans it is our duty not only to love, protect, and serve our own country, but to extend a helping hand to all those who are wronged and in need. We must reach out to our nation's leadership and urge them to seek justice for the Genocide, the unpunished and forgotten crime against humanity." (www.marchforhumanity.org)
These people are marching from Fresno to Sacramento in remembrance of the 1,500,000 victims who died in the Armenian Genocide. They were subjected to torture, starvation, and murcder by the rulers of the Ottoman Turkish Empire in an attempt to eliminate all the people of this civilization. As of 2005 the Republic of Turkey denied this genocide's occurence.
Monday, 01 August 2005
Welcome to the "official" blog
The eyes of the world! Welcome--You've found me at a new place and obvioulsy a new time, but it's the same thing. This website allows me to post photos, whereas xanga only loved me for my words. But I long to show you my life, not just tell you about it. So this is likely to work best for me, and I think all of you will like the better once you see the shots I post. We'll see. Feel free to comment, as I hope you all will do, and don't forget www.xanga.com/reflecitoninwater. It'll be up until all those thoughts die out from the glorious brilliance of what this blog page will contain. So, join me in this journey. Let's start with a few photos to celebrate our new blogpage!
1--Little Olga in Moldova
2--Nicolai in Moldova
3--Tsunami Survivors in Indonesia
4--Orphan in Southeast Asia
1--Little Olga in Moldova
2--Nicolai in Moldova
3--Tsunami Survivors in Indonesia
4--Orphan in Southeast Asia
